Everyone has a primary struggle or obstacle in their quest to accomplish their goals. Of course, there are many struggles and obstacles in this process from discovering what your goals are to figuring out how to achieve them to gathering the internal courage and determination to see them through. Yet, each of these aspects are secondary to the primary obstacle, which is to knowing if the choices that are made will produce the most favorable results.

During difficult times, individuals seek advice and guidance from friends, family members, professionals, support groups and the like. Yet, all of these “voices” are external to the individual and so speculative. I say speculative because the advice and knowledge are based on another person’s personal and professional experience, which can never match our own experiences and wisdom. There is certainly nothing wrong with seeking guidance, but looking for someone else to tell you what the best answer is can be problematic. It is problematic for the person giving the advice because in doing so he/she must also then take on the burden of the consequences; favorable or not. Plus, when someone tries to think for another, they rob that individual of the opportunity to deepen their faith in their ability to make their own choices and so crippling them on the deepest of levels. Each person has a divine inner-voice or Daimon that is all knowing and who has the “right” answers regardless if that information makes logical sense. It is a distant voice from deep within our core that the Greeks called “Daimon!” It is impossible to trust that divine voice if we make choices based on an outside “voice.”

Respecting Our Daimon

Spiritual emancipation, enlightenment, entrance into the kingdom of God, ultimate happiness and the like are things each of us strive for in our own way. There are those who say that we have to accept ourselves for who we are regardless of what we have or what we achieve, which is of course sound advice. Yet, in the grand scope of things we each have a responsibility to follow our dreams and never give up on those dreams. Never, ever, ever; NEVER! Remember, I did not say “achieve” those dreams. I said follow them and never give up on them. Otherwise, ideas like, “if it was meant to be it will be,” or “what ever happens happens,” can be misunderstood and cause an individual to miss the point. Yes, it is true that we cannot predict an outcome absolutely and so “if it was meant to be it will be.” However, that does not relieve us of our responsibility to continue towards our mission or calling. Make no mistake, each of us has a divine mission and purpose in this life that demands our commitment and focus. And that mission is expressed by our Daimon in subtle and not-so-subtle ways. The challenge with following our Daimon is that it will always urge us in the direction of our fears as the only means of overcoming them. That quiet little voice that exists down into our core will gently coax and lean us towards letting go of what is familiar or what we know to be true so that we can experience our power. A person who fears heights cannot overcome that fear without experiencing heights The notion of relieving a fear without living that fear, at least momentarily, is really the avoidance of that fear. Period.

Trusting our own internally divine companion is the source of our greatest joy, but also the source of our greatest discomfort because such trust can only be achieved by passing through our fear experientially. The Daimon can also be viewed as an individual’s greatest potential that cannot be altered by human tinkering and which is not dependent on our physical or social laws. It’s essence allows for mystery and the “darkness” of possibilities that cannot be known by what is familiar to us intellectually or emotionally. James Hillman, in his book, The Soul’s Code, discusses what he calls the Acorn Theory, which understands that there is a reason that an individual life is here on the planet. Each individual has an innate image of what it must create in the physical world with one’s life and is answerable to that innate image. We are all held accountable to our Soul’s purpose in this life, and if we ignore it, then the result is nothing short of unnecessary suffering. Hillman says that in order to uncover that image or mission, we must set aside the psychological frames that we are used to, those ideas of right and wrong, of what makes “sense” and what doesn’t and step into the imaginative mist that engulfs each of us. We must delve into what Quantum Physics has discovered and labeled the sub-atomic particles that equal pure potentiality and are the source of all creation. Once we get past the social conditioning of our intelligence and enter into the mysteriousness, we can then tap our imagination via those sub-atomic particles and instantly create any person, place or thing. The challenge is that we cannot tap the sub-atomic realm with a doubtful mind and fearful heart. And so the journey of uncovering our destiny that is written into our Acorn is one of continually deepening our faith in that which seems impossible! As I previously said, never stop moving towards your dreams, for it is only in that quest that one can break down the limitations of a dull or limited mind.
The Glory of Dreaming Big!

Dreaming big is necessary for your soul to survive and for you to stay connected to your it. There is no better drug or greater high on the planet than having a dream come true. The more you dream and challenge yourself to stay on course with those dreams the healthier you will become. For those who say that they don’t know what they want to do or that they don’t have any dreams I tell them that they are mistaken. They do know, but from a different place, from their source, Daimon, or soul. All a person needs to do is listen, really listen, and work towards the outcome they seek, and they will discover over time a new found vitality, happiness and energy. And God forbid that someone let’s go of a dream, they must face the harsh reality that they have just committed suicide to a part of themselves. Dreaming of a better life and “going for it” is a requirement of happiness. You cannot be truly happy without it. You might be able to establish a level of contentment, but that is not happiness.

It is important to remember that when you dream big and challenge yourself to overcome your fears and doubts, your life will go through a period of hardship. Be wise and understand that this is part of the process. Just like when someone begins exercising for the first time in years. He/she decided to exercise to feel better, but because the individual was out of shape they had to go through a period of feeling bad before they could feel good. Muscles that are not used to exercise scream out in pain when they are first challenged to become healthy. Yet, it is a scientific fact that if the individual stays the course and keeps exercising, their muscles will get stronger, healthier, and ultimately feel better. The same holds true when you challenge yourself to get out of your “rut” job and open up your own business so that you can become a millionaire instead of a part of the “salaried herd” who make good money but will never achieve wealth where they are in their job.

Please understand that as you break out of the mold, you will find that individuals will try to sabotage you saying that you cannot do it and that you are crazy or something like that. All they are really saying is, “I don’t want you to succeed because if you do, I have to look at my own level of unhappiness.” And many people are too afraid to do that, so they try and bring you back down to their level. Don’t let sour criticism spoil your dream. Hold onto it, and do the best you can to make it come true. Hold onto your dreams even during those the long lonely nights it takes to get where you want to go–and notice each small step of success as you get there. Nurture your dream. Nurture yourself. If you do that, your success is guaranteed. Truly! It is guaranteed if you do that.

Not allowing ourselves to follow our dreams, or even to just dream, can eat away at us, and cause us to become bitter, angry, and self-loathing. But following our dreams brings us a motivation and peacefulness that cannot be fathomed by those who are running from their Daimon’s image. Even when it’s hard, fearful and everything in us wants to give up and we can’t think how we’re going to get there, there is still always something that feels right to us. Deep down at our core, our souls are whispering to our hearts to never give up, forcing us to feel truly and absolutely alive!

Here are some steps to bringing yourself closer to your dreams. Follow these steps and you too can be following your dreams:

1. Claim your dreams. This may take awhile, but don’t rush and have patience.Take time out everyday to listen to your Daimon or “inner-voice.” Listen inside yourself for what you really want, and claim it as a possibility at least. Even if you don’t believe that it can come true, let it live in the realm of possibility and you will find that it will show itself to you

2. Become clear to your negative beliefs that are preventing you from your dreams. Is a part of you afraid of succeeding or becoming really happy? It’s possible that you don’t even think you deserve to have wonderful things happen to you or that people will think you are stupid or unrealistic. Or does the dream seem too grand, too huge, or above your capabilities to handle? All of these thinking habits are illusions that you have to fight through and reprogram within your mind.

3. Writing Out The Steps. Write down your goals and some basic steps that you need to take for them to happen. Don’t worry if the steps are right or the best ones that should be taken, just start taking action. You will find that things will wiggle their way in the right direction.

4. Taking Baby Steps. It’s not necessary to jump into the abyss with your eyes closed. Just begin taking some action, even if it is just one or two things per week. If you commit to these one or two things consistently over time you will find that opportunities will come to you that will require you to do more. You don’t have to figure everything out before hand. Just begin!

6. Stay Clear and Focused. Don’t keep changing your mind! Gandhi talked a lot about the importance of making a vow. That being said, it is possible that what your dreams look like might morph into something that you didn’t expect. For example, you may have had the goal of becoming a high school teacher and during that process was offered a private tutoring job that you loved. Not only did you love it, but the money was better with less work hours. In the end, you were still teaching. Teaching is what you needed to make a vow about.

This newsletter was assisted by the following links:
www.icbs.com
www.sengifted.org/articles_learning
www.pantheon.org

A person can either have a harmonious or confrontational relationship with his or her environment. This is one of the hard facts of life. You can’t have something in-between harmonious and confrontational because such a state does not exist. You can of course have varying degrees of harmony and conflict. Understanding that our physical surroundings are extensions of our physical bodies can be helpful in creating more harmony.

Everything Is An Extension Of Ourselves

Simply stated, our physical bodies are extensions of our spiritual bodies, if you will, and our physical surroundings are extensions of our physical bodies. There is no separation between them at all. It is in believing that a separation occurs that can foster conflict and result in things being more difficult and arduous. This way of thinking mirrors the idea that all things in the Universe are interconnected and extends it somewhat further. Consider what it would be like if we viewed all of our situations or circumstances within our personal lives, as extensions or part of us, like our arm or toes.

If someone at work were having difficulty with a co-worker, then by default all the employees who worked closely with the troubled employee would also be suffering from the same difficulty. Notice that I said they would have the same difficulty, which is important to ensure that no separation occurs. I wonder how the individuals in such a scenario would act. By default, they would not be able to ignore the situation and say that it is their co-workers problem and not theirs. They would be forced “into involvement,” and so be a part of the solution or assist in the further damaging of the situation.

By the way, what I am saying is not just my opinion but also the correct way to view interconnectedness. To be interconnected does not mean a “partial” connection or that a connection occurs when it is convenient. Every person, place or thing that is in a person’s life, whether beneficial or not, is a part of that person. Let’s give some examples shall we.

1. If your neighbor is involved in domestic violence, then you are involved in domestic violence.

2. If a co-worker is being over-worked and under-paid, then all of his/her fellow employees are affected deeply by this injustice.

3. If a friend is physically assaulted and raped, then all of his/her friends and acquaintances will be emotionally scarred from the assault as well.

4. If you are walking down the street and witness someone being mugged, then you will be affected by that mugging for the rest of your life just as the person who was mugged will be.

5. If you cheat on your taxes, then all people who cheated on their taxes will be significantly affected by that choice just as you will be.

I am merely speaking in a factual way, without making any judgments about what should be done in each given example above. The value of connecting to our humanity on such a deep level enables us to move beyond boring cliché and tap into such qualities as Motivation, Empowerment, Purpose, Love, Empathy, Support, Nurturing as actual human experiences and all the risk involved with making these types of choices. Yup, that’s right all, there is risk involved with standing up for each other. In doing so we have to look at our fears squarely in the face and honor them. Stare at them, feel them, and allow them to be what they are, which is simply feelings. They are not things that cause us problems or pain or trauma or anything negative. They don’t really have that much power over us unless we let them. Learning to feel without judgment, which can be translated into resistance will allow feelings to be our ally. They will nurture us, inspire us, empower us, and motivate us to name a few. Yet, this enemy of the people is a victim of a false identity. Someone along the way, probably a man, and remember a man is writing this piece, decided that feelings should be suppressed because they could somehow hurt us. Now that is a silly notion and I for one am a little upset at this falsehood! Feel people, so that you can become humanistic and move out of your robotic intellectualism.

A competitive nature is as necessary to human wellness as is food, sleep & exercise. It is the driving force that challenges us to generate the power necessary to meet our intrinsic needs. It cannot be denied that without some level of internal competitive drive, our very survival would be at risk.

The idea of harmony co-existing with competitiveness seems to be the ultimate contradiction. Yet, a healthy level of competitiveness is the very thing that drives an individual to achieve greatness. At the same time, an unhealthy level of competitiveness spawns destruction and conflict, which allows for only minimal short-term gains. Learning how to support and encourage each other while competing for the same or similar goals allows for greater rewards in the long run.

Prestige & Competitiveness:

Prestige can be defined as, “the kind of honor, awe, or high opinion that is inspired by a high-ranking, influential, or successful person or product.” Most people achieve some level of satisfaction or disappointment from changes in their success rate (prestige). Higher levels of success will result in higher levels of prestige, while lower levels of success result in a decline in prestige. How an individual responds to a decline in prestige may vary considerably; from withdrawal and a lack of motivation to increased motivation and more actions taken to rebound from the perceived decline. Conversely, individuals may respond to increased prestige in various ways, from a humble attitude or an arrogant sense-of-self. Interestingly, both increases or decreases in prestige have the potential to generate higher levels of aggression. It is here that I make the connection to how prestige can affect the competitive nature of individuals.

A competitive nature and the idea of prestige in and of themselves are glorious human traits that become “unhealthy” when individuals add the aggressive trait to it. Unhealthy competitiveness results from an excessive concern with one’s status within the groups (e.g., family, work, athletics, etc.) that a person is in relationship with. Prestige then manifests itself as an over-sense of importance and the need to separate oneself from others in an effort to feel superior. When this happens, group cohesiveness and support declines due to an over-emphasis on personal gain that can deter individual’s from seeing the big picture. A decline in “big-picture” thinking results in desperate behavior and a “win-at-all-costs” perspective; causing one to forget that excessive immediate gains won’t necessarily continue over time. Sometime down the road, the inevitable result is a “crash” in success and so prestige, which causes the cycle of desperateness to repeat itself. And so you have a series of expensive gains and excessive losses with very little stable growth. And it is stable growth that should be insisted upon; the bi-product of healthy competitiveness.

The causal elements that influence the human need to have status are many and difficult to pinpoint. Yet, there are four very basic causal points that are worth mentioning to help us succeed in our quest for healthy competitiveness. The first could be defined as the basic characteristics of the person or the innate tendency/drive that all humans have to better themselves and their circumstances. Each person has different levels of this drive that effect how they go about creating more for themselves and others. The second could be defined as the values of others who grant prestige. By “others” I mean the social beliefs of society and its participants; e.g. parents, governmental policy, religious beliefs, social norms, etc. The third could be defined as the considerations that are reflected upon prior to the efforts that are made to affect prestige. The fourth could be defined as the actual choices that are chosen following the reflective process. These four points must be challenged and deeply understood to ensure that competitiveness is put in check and balanced so as to create the most beneficial long-term effects. The bottom line is that an obsession with prestige is costly and leads to rigidity and an unaccommodating nature. To off-set the negative outcomes of this obsession, a ‘checks and balances’ system much be implemented. First and foremost, such a system would include teaching individuals how to understand the negative tendencies of their thinking and how to make more valuable choices based on this reflective process. Once this is done, a collective consensus on how to prevent unhealthy competitiveness should be decided upon and outlined in detail. This is the easiest part; the difficulty is assisting individuals to obtain a deep inner resolve to implement consistently the approved upon choices. Also, when each player has a say in determining the rules, they feel more connected to them and will find it be easier to follow them.

Violence & Competition:

When violence becomes a part of competitiveness between individuals and groups, it usually results from a lack of rationality among the players or the inability of the players to observe the determined rules. There are many ways to prevent competition from becoming violent.

1. Increased Number of Contests: If losing one contest means losing them all, violence is more likely to occur. When there are numerous contests available for the “ego” to involve itself with, then the emotional (prestige) investments are reduced because there isn’t just one chance to win. The contestant knows that there are a number of opportunities to win and do not develop a “scarcity” or “desperate” inner state. Only an ego-mind with its arrogant and narcissistic tendencies would need to have just one winner. And so our understanding of competitiveness needs to shift from “outcome-based” to a “process/development” model. If I might use a cliche, “It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you played the game.”

2. Ranking of Contests: It is important that no one contest be considered the most important and all the others marginal. This will likely lead to some victories for most people involved, which also makes the loss of other contests easier to swallow. The idea of there being only one winner and one loser is eliminated, allowing for the “losers” to more often enjoy the success of others. In addition, points should be give for how well the contest is played. Are the individuals involved fair, respectful, supportive, etc. Thus, in this type of contest, a person or team who has the lower amount of “points” could still win the game. And so the one-dimensional element of a win/lose contest almost seems laughable.

3. Range of Victory: Needing to win every single race also doesn’t bode well for non-violent competition. Even if there are numerous contests to win, individuals need to challenge themselves to resist the “total victory” urge. A need to be victorious every time and the desire to obtain a total status advantage signifies a disrespect of others’ capabilities or an unwillingness to acknowledge the potential existence of other “winners” or “power houses.” This also prevents individuals from gaining mutual-respect for those that they are up against. And it is with mutual respect that a person’s humanistic nature can flourish. Where is it written that you can’t deeply be connected to and care about those that you are up against. Yet, this would seem to be a very foreign concept in today’s society. Finally, a heart-felt respect for your competitors fosters a humble attitude and eliminates the need to feel important.

4. Rethinking Time: Every leader must encourage her/his players to always remember that they will get another chance to redeem themselves if they were not on the receiving end of a victorious competition. This also enables the “losers” to take it with some pride and hopefulness. This correlates to the need for many potential victories; time offers new chances and potentials for success. Losing in one area can always be turned into a victory at another time. This also reduces the psychological investment of a particular contest. Without this type of perspective, the opponents success could seem to threaten the very existence of the other side. To be competitive, there needs to be a high level of specialization, consistent successes, and the exploitation of all available resources. And what happens when all the available resources have been exhausted and the outcome is still less than desired. You wait for the next time you’ll get to compete.

As you can see, competition has many levels and affects individuals in many different ways. It is ultimately about increasing the fortune of people in terms of income, standard of living and quality of life. All of these things are threatened when a healthy level of competitiveness is not present. Understanding that there must always be an abundant of opportunities to succeed for everyone is the first step to creating harmony within the confines of competition. Finally, a balance of the four value systems (hard work, wealth, social participation, & self achievement) will prevent aggression from reeling it’s ugly head while we engage in our contests and pursuits!

Information from this newsletter were assisted by two articles:
“International Prestige, Competition and Peaceful Coexistence,” Amitai Etzioni
“Competitiveness of Nations: The Fundementals,” Stephane Garelli

Last month we made clear the distinction between dialogue and debate. Simply, debate has as its foundation the need to be right versus establishing what is true. We also discussed how a better understanding of our thinking habits can enhance our quality of communication. One of the most common thinking habits that occurs, in my assessment, is known as defensive routines or defensiveness. When individuals debate, they are usually engaging in unconscious and irrational defensiveness, which occurs when individuals want to protect themselves from anxiety. This protection is established through diversionary and intimidation tactics or by distorting reality. Defensive communication can lead to one-sided conversations, where individuals only want to prove their point versus wanting to also understand the point of view of those that they communicate with.

These unconscious psychological defensive mechanisms include repression, rationalization, projection, reaction formation, displacement, identification, regression, fantasy formation, intellectualization/isolation, and denial. Most individuals who are overly defensive are trying to protect themselves from a threat that does not really exist. Before I breakdown the various types of defensive routines, it should be known that everyone uses defense mechanisms and that it is quite normal to do so. Problems arise when they are overly or habitually used.

Types of Defensive Routines

Repression: The primary ego defense that give life to all other defensive routines. Its prime function is to prevent anxiety and helps individuals deal with everyday problems. It often occurs in response to conflict and pain from one’s past history, whether that conflict actually exists or not. Repressed memories can drain our creative energy, cause stiffness of character and lead to more serious psychological challenges. It is important to know that repressed memories don’t ever go away and that the goal is to create a better understanding of the negative feelings associated with that memory. Such identification allows us to associate more positive feelings with the old memory. The difficulty with this is that the only way to associate a new feeling with an old memory. is to actually feel the repressed pain associated with it. Trained professionals can help individuals through that process. It is through the darkness (pain) that we find the light (something other than pain).

Rationalization: In order to cope with anxiety, our ego uses reason to “explain them away.” This reasonableness is often seen in dishonest explanations for various acts, or justifying those acts with complete disregard to how hurtful those acts may have been. This rationale is often clouded in delusion, which results in an over sense of superiority. The bottom line is that those who overly use their rational faculties to justify their acts are really implementing impaired judgment.

Projection: In this case, individuals transfer their own personality traits onto other people, places or even things. It is the unconscious act of labeling or attributing to others one’s own feelings, thoughts or intentions.This actually happens a great deal and is one of the highest forms of delusion. An example might be when someone accuses another person of being a coward and too afraid to achieve something, when in actuality they are talking about themselves. How do we know if we are projecting to others? Simply, every time we assume to know the intentions of another person without asking them about what they are doing with an “ear” of respectful acknowledgment of that persons capabilities.

Reaction Formation: This is used by the ego to primarily control the expression of “forbidden” impulses by repressing them consciously. This repression is justified by making that impulse (i.e. sexual lust, seeking wealth, only doing a job you love, etc.) unworthy or unjust, regardless of whether or not those impulses are valuable. One becomes the crusader against the forbidden urge, often resulting in compulsiveness, exaggeration and an all or nothing attitude.

Displacement: This occurs when an instinctual impulse is redirected from a more threatening activity, person or object to a less threatening one. For example, you might yell at your dog because you are too afraid to yell at your significant other. Injustice is what describes this defensive routine best; the innocent becomes the victim.

Identification: In this case, individuals take on the characteristics of someone admired or considered successful; hero-worship. In doing so, they are able to bolster their sense of self-worth by protecting themselves through the illusion that they are giving themselves an identity, albeit a false one. If used too often, it results in feelings of inauthenticity and a sense of separation from others.

Regression: Reverting to an earlier child-like stage of development, which one views as a more secure period. Individuals act as if they are very tired or fatigued, ill and often will throw tantrums.

Fantasy Formation: Individuals gratify frustrated desires by thinking of imaginary achievements and satisfactions; thinking that they are something that they are not. This allows the individual to transport themselves away from real problems. It can be difficult to communicate with people who display this defensive routine.

Intellectualization/Isolation: Unpleasant emotions are suppressed by engaging in detached analyses of threatening problems. Feelings of anxiety are ignored and not allowed to reach one’s conscious awareness. Becoming a third party to issues to prevent them from emotionally attaching to the feelings associated with the issues. Obviously, these individuals have difficulty with intimacy.

Denial: The ego refuses to acknowledge the existence of threatening events by refusing to believe in them. It can assist an individual in getting through difficult times and can be very valuable if they are willing to address the issue at a later date.

People sometimes get stuck in a job due to a lack of education or because of a bad economy, but that doesn’t mean that their work day needs to be a painful experience. With a little innovation and imagination, it is easy to make the best of a “bad” job. Here are some ideas that may help.

• Work on your job skills. Imagining yourself in your dream job, you might see yourself as an excellent leader – highly confident and supremely organized. Why not work on these skills in your present job?

• Develop your own project. Take on a project that can motivate you and give you a sense of control. Start small, such as organizing a work-related celebration, before moving on to larger goals. Working on something you care about can boost your confidence.

• Stay busy. Having too much free time may leave you with too much time to think about what’s wrong with your job.

Stay Positive

Change the way you view your job by challenging your thinking to be positive. Changing your attitude about work doesn’t happen overnight. But if you remain alert to ways your view of work brings you down, you may eventually replace negative thoughts with more positive ones. Here are a few techniques:

• Stop negative thoughts. Pay attention to the messages you give yourself. When you catch yourself thinking your job is terrible, stop the thought in its tracks. Awareness is the first step to this step and is achieved by learning how to “read” your thoughts like you would a book. Learning to view the content of your thinking is very valuable.

• Put things in perspective. Remember, everyone encounters good days and bad days on the job. That doesn’t mean that you should pretend to be excited that you are having a bad day. It just means that you choose to accept it as part of the professional experience. If everything was always good, then we wouldn’t know it because we wouldn’t have anything to compare it to. Experiencing a bad day will make a good one that much better.

• Look for the silver lining. “Reframing” can help you find the good in a bad situation. For example, you receive a less than perfect performance appraisal and your boss warns you to improve or move to another job. Instead of taking it personally or looking for another job right away, look for the silver lining. Depending on where you work, the silver lining may be attending continuing education classes, working closely with a performance coach and having the satisfaction of showing your boss you’re capable of change. Being proactive means that we are in control of our destiny, versus being a victim to it.

• Learn from your mistakes. Failure is one of the greatest learning tools, but many people let failure defeat them. When you make a mistake at work, learn from it and try again. The reality is, we fail as much, if not more, than we succeed.

• Be grateful. Gratitude can help you focus on what’s positive about your job. Ask yourself, “What am I grateful for at work today?” If it’s only that you’re having lunch with a trusted co-worker, that’s OK. But find at least one thing you’re grateful for and cherish it. When all is said and done, a positive experience begins with a heartfelt appreciation for what we have and what we are doing.