Everyone has a primary struggle or obstacle in their quest to accomplish their goals. Of course, there are many struggles and obstacles in this process from discovering what your goals are to figuring out how to achieve them to gathering the internal courage and determination to see them through. Yet, each of these aspects are secondary to the primary obstacle, which is to knowing if the choices that are made will produce the most favorable results.

During difficult times, individuals seek advice and guidance from friends, family members, professionals, support groups and the like. Yet, all of these “voices” are external to the individual and so speculative. I say speculative because the advice and knowledge are based on another person’s personal and professional experience, which can never match our own experiences and wisdom. There is certainly nothing wrong with seeking guidance, but looking for someone else to tell you what the best answer is can be problematic. It is problematic for the person giving the advice because in doing so he/she must also then take on the burden of the consequences; favorable or not. Plus, when someone tries to think for another, they rob that individual of the opportunity to deepen their faith in their ability to make their own choices and so crippling them on the deepest of levels. Each person has a divine inner-voice or Daimon that is all knowing and who has the “right” answers regardless if that information makes logical sense. It is a distant voice from deep within our core that the Greeks called “Daimon!” It is impossible to trust that divine voice if we make choices based on an outside “voice.”

Respecting Our Daimon

Spiritual emancipation, enlightenment, entrance into the kingdom of God, ultimate happiness and the like are things each of us strive for in our own way. There are those who say that we have to accept ourselves for who we are regardless of what we have or what we achieve, which is of course sound advice. Yet, in the grand scope of things we each have a responsibility to follow our dreams and never give up on those dreams. Never, ever, ever; NEVER! Remember, I did not say “achieve” those dreams. I said follow them and never give up on them. Otherwise, ideas like, “if it was meant to be it will be,” or “what ever happens happens,” can be misunderstood and cause an individual to miss the point. Yes, it is true that we cannot predict an outcome absolutely and so “if it was meant to be it will be.” However, that does not relieve us of our responsibility to continue towards our mission or calling. Make no mistake, each of us has a divine mission and purpose in this life that demands our commitment and focus. And that mission is expressed by our Daimon in subtle and not-so-subtle ways. The challenge with following our Daimon is that it will always urge us in the direction of our fears as the only means of overcoming them. That quiet little voice that exists down into our core will gently coax and lean us towards letting go of what is familiar or what we know to be true so that we can experience our power. A person who fears heights cannot overcome that fear without experiencing heights The notion of relieving a fear without living that fear, at least momentarily, is really the avoidance of that fear. Period.

Trusting our own internally divine companion is the source of our greatest joy, but also the source of our greatest discomfort because such trust can only be achieved by passing through our fear experientially. The Daimon can also be viewed as an individual’s greatest potential that cannot be altered by human tinkering and which is not dependent on our physical or social laws. It’s essence allows for mystery and the “darkness” of possibilities that cannot be known by what is familiar to us intellectually or emotionally. James Hillman, in his book, The Soul’s Code, discusses what he calls the Acorn Theory, which understands that there is a reason that an individual life is here on the planet. Each individual has an innate image of what it must create in the physical world with one’s life and is answerable to that innate image. We are all held accountable to our Soul’s purpose in this life, and if we ignore it, then the result is nothing short of unnecessary suffering. Hillman says that in order to uncover that image or mission, we must set aside the psychological frames that we are used to, those ideas of right and wrong, of what makes “sense” and what doesn’t and step into the imaginative mist that engulfs each of us. We must delve into what Quantum Physics has discovered and labeled the sub-atomic particles that equal pure potentiality and are the source of all creation. Once we get past the social conditioning of our intelligence and enter into the mysteriousness, we can then tap our imagination via those sub-atomic particles and instantly create any person, place or thing. The challenge is that we cannot tap the sub-atomic realm with a doubtful mind and fearful heart. And so the journey of uncovering our destiny that is written into our Acorn is one of continually deepening our faith in that which seems impossible! As I previously said, never stop moving towards your dreams, for it is only in that quest that one can break down the limitations of a dull or limited mind.
The Glory of Dreaming Big!

Dreaming big is necessary for your soul to survive and for you to stay connected to your it. There is no better drug or greater high on the planet than having a dream come true. The more you dream and challenge yourself to stay on course with those dreams the healthier you will become. For those who say that they don’t know what they want to do or that they don’t have any dreams I tell them that they are mistaken. They do know, but from a different place, from their source, Daimon, or soul. All a person needs to do is listen, really listen, and work towards the outcome they seek, and they will discover over time a new found vitality, happiness and energy. And God forbid that someone let’s go of a dream, they must face the harsh reality that they have just committed suicide to a part of themselves. Dreaming of a better life and “going for it” is a requirement of happiness. You cannot be truly happy without it. You might be able to establish a level of contentment, but that is not happiness.

It is important to remember that when you dream big and challenge yourself to overcome your fears and doubts, your life will go through a period of hardship. Be wise and understand that this is part of the process. Just like when someone begins exercising for the first time in years. He/she decided to exercise to feel better, but because the individual was out of shape they had to go through a period of feeling bad before they could feel good. Muscles that are not used to exercise scream out in pain when they are first challenged to become healthy. Yet, it is a scientific fact that if the individual stays the course and keeps exercising, their muscles will get stronger, healthier, and ultimately feel better. The same holds true when you challenge yourself to get out of your “rut” job and open up your own business so that you can become a millionaire instead of a part of the “salaried herd” who make good money but will never achieve wealth where they are in their job.

Please understand that as you break out of the mold, you will find that individuals will try to sabotage you saying that you cannot do it and that you are crazy or something like that. All they are really saying is, “I don’t want you to succeed because if you do, I have to look at my own level of unhappiness.” And many people are too afraid to do that, so they try and bring you back down to their level. Don’t let sour criticism spoil your dream. Hold onto it, and do the best you can to make it come true. Hold onto your dreams even during those the long lonely nights it takes to get where you want to go–and notice each small step of success as you get there. Nurture your dream. Nurture yourself. If you do that, your success is guaranteed. Truly! It is guaranteed if you do that.

Not allowing ourselves to follow our dreams, or even to just dream, can eat away at us, and cause us to become bitter, angry, and self-loathing. But following our dreams brings us a motivation and peacefulness that cannot be fathomed by those who are running from their Daimon’s image. Even when it’s hard, fearful and everything in us wants to give up and we can’t think how we’re going to get there, there is still always something that feels right to us. Deep down at our core, our souls are whispering to our hearts to never give up, forcing us to feel truly and absolutely alive!

Here are some steps to bringing yourself closer to your dreams. Follow these steps and you too can be following your dreams:

1. Claim your dreams. This may take awhile, but don’t rush and have patience.Take time out everyday to listen to your Daimon or “inner-voice.” Listen inside yourself for what you really want, and claim it as a possibility at least. Even if you don’t believe that it can come true, let it live in the realm of possibility and you will find that it will show itself to you

2. Become clear to your negative beliefs that are preventing you from your dreams. Is a part of you afraid of succeeding or becoming really happy? It’s possible that you don’t even think you deserve to have wonderful things happen to you or that people will think you are stupid or unrealistic. Or does the dream seem too grand, too huge, or above your capabilities to handle? All of these thinking habits are illusions that you have to fight through and reprogram within your mind.

3. Writing Out The Steps. Write down your goals and some basic steps that you need to take for them to happen. Don’t worry if the steps are right or the best ones that should be taken, just start taking action. You will find that things will wiggle their way in the right direction.

4. Taking Baby Steps. It’s not necessary to jump into the abyss with your eyes closed. Just begin taking some action, even if it is just one or two things per week. If you commit to these one or two things consistently over time you will find that opportunities will come to you that will require you to do more. You don’t have to figure everything out before hand. Just begin!

6. Stay Clear and Focused. Don’t keep changing your mind! Gandhi talked a lot about the importance of making a vow. That being said, it is possible that what your dreams look like might morph into something that you didn’t expect. For example, you may have had the goal of becoming a high school teacher and during that process was offered a private tutoring job that you loved. Not only did you love it, but the money was better with less work hours. In the end, you were still teaching. Teaching is what you needed to make a vow about.

This newsletter was assisted by the following links:
www.icbs.com
www.sengifted.org/articles_learning
www.pantheon.org

As I see it, individuals view fitness in a very general and limiting way. Generally speaking, the goal of fitness is often to become thin, look good aesthetically, and to have strong muscles. Of course, not all people think this way, but I am speaking from my own experience and from what I see in society today. There seems to be more concern with how we look versus how well our body feels and functions. In order for our “total self” to become “fitness ready,” we must engage in all 5 of my elements of fitness.

The 5 Elements of Fitness

1. Breath: Clinical studies prove that oxygen, wellness, and life-span are totally dependent on proper breathing. Lung volume is a primary marker for how long you will live. Breathing supplies over 99% of your entire oxygen and energy supply. Poor breathing causes or worsens chronic maladies such as asthma, allergies, anxiety, fatigue, depression, headaches, heart conditions, high blood pressure, sleep loss, obesity, harmful stress, poor mental clarity plus hundreds of other lesser known but equally harmful conditions. ALL diseases are caused or worsened by poor breathing. The average person reaches peak respiratory function and lung capacity in their mid 20’s. Then they begin to loose respiratory capacity: between 10% and 27% for every decade of life! So, unless you are doing something to maintain or improve your breathing capacity, it will decline, and with it, your general health, your life expectancy, and for that matter, your spirit as well. Optimal breathing gets you more vitality and better quality of life. We also address food, exercise, internal cleansing, attitude, and environment but breathing is for many the most important part of getting and staying healthy. Begin with breathing. Better breathing is possible for anyone. Develop your breathing now.” Breathing is the FIRST place not the LAST place one should investigate when any disordered energy presents itself.” Sheldon Saul Hendler, MD Ph.D. , The Oxygen Breakthrough, Breathing fundamentals are critical. Just because one particular breathing exercise or development technique feels good does not mean it is the best choice. Many feel good at the outset of a certain exercise but that is largely because so many breathe so poorly that any progress feels significant, and it may well be. But each technique or exercise must be based in solid breathing fundamentals otherwise they can work against each other and cause future breathing development problems. Like a rocket ship even slightly off coarse, as the days and weeks pass you will travel further and further away from your goal of a long healthy, vibrant life. Knowing the fundamentals helps you stay on course.

2. Flexibility: Flexibility is the ability to move joints and muscles through their full range of motion. As you become more flexible, you will find it easier to reach things on high shelves, to look under a bed, or perhaps to tie your shoes. You will also have a better sense of balance and coordination. To stay flexible, stretch all your major groups of muscles. These include the muscles of your arms, back, hips, front and back of your thighs, and calves. Try to stretch for 10 to 12 minutes a day, after a brief warm-up. Do some stretches first thing in the morning, take a stretch break instead of a coffee break, or stretch in the office for a few minutes. Or participate in activities that include stretching, such as dance, martial arts (aikido or karate), tai chi, or yoga. Stretching also can be done as part of strength training and aerobic exercise. When you exercise, you repeatedly shorten your muscles. To counter this effect, you need to stretch slowly and regularly, which makes you more flexible. Combining it with other forms of fitness is an ideal way to practice flexibility fitness. When getting started with flexibility and stretching, begin slowly and increase your efforts gradually. You can measure your progress with flexibility by noticing how much farther you can do each stretch. Can you go farther with each stretch than you could when you started? If so, your flexibility is improving.

3. Emotions: Emotions serve as the source of human energy, authenticity and drive, and can offer us a wellspring of intuitive wisdom. Each feeling provides us with valuable feedback throughout the day. This feedback from the heart is what ignites creativity, keeps us honest with ourselves, guides trusting relationships, and provides the compass for our life and career. Emotional intelligence requires that we learn to acknowledge and understand feelings – in ourselves and others – and that we appropriately respond to them, creatively applying the energy of the emotions to our daily life, work and relationships. Emotional intelligence is demonstrated by tolerance, empathy and compassion for others; the ability to verbalize feelings accurately and with integrity; and the resilience to bounce back from emotional upsets. It is the ability to be a deeply feeling, authentic human being, no matter what life brings, no matter what challenges and opportunities we face. Emotional intelligence (EQ) may be even more important than IQ in one’s ability to achieve success and happiness. I may score well on tests and excel academically, but how well do I handle disappointment, anger, jealousy and fear, the problems of communication, and all the ups and downs of relationships? Persons with high EQ – who have developed emotional literacy – will have more confidence and trust in themselves, and more understanding of others and therefore empathy with them. So they will make better relationships and experience more achievement, love and joy in their life. They will be emotionally mature, a state that many adults do not achieve. If these skills were taught widely, in the home as well as at school, and amongst adults too of course, it would provide the basis of a much saner and happier world to live in. At its essence, a meaningful and successful life requires being attuned to what is on the inside, beneath the mental analyzes, the appearances and control, and beneath the rhetoric. It requires being attuned to the heart, the center of our emotions and outgoing reach to the world. Our heart activates our deepest values, transforming them from something we think about to what we actually do in our life. The heart is the place of courage and spirit, integrity and commitment – the source of energy and deep feelings that call us to create, learn, cooperate, lead and serve. When we have painful feelings, the heart is telling us we have unmet needs, or we are interpreting reality through some kind of distorting filter. When we have positive feelings, the heart is telling us we are pointing in the right direction, towards fulfillment of our needs and towards truth. Our Higher Self, the all-knowing part of us connected to all consciousness, communicates to our body-mind through this channel – not through verbal messages but through the heart. We just need to be open to receive this intuitive wisdom.

4. Cardiovascular: To stay healthy, adults should do at least 20 minutes of vigorous cardiovascular exercise three times a week, according to joint research from Exeter and Brunel universities. Not only will good cardiovascular fitness reduce the risk of a stroke, high blood pressure and diabetes, it will improve your performance in most sports. Cardiovascular fitness refers to the ability of your heart, lungs and blood vessels (cardiovascular system) to carry oxygen to, and carbon dioxide away from, working muscles. Your resting heart rate (RHR) is a good indication of your overall cardiovascular fitness level. The lower it is, the more efficiently your heart is pumping blood around your body. Seventy beats per minute (BPM) is average for a healthy heart and to improve cardiovascular fitness you must train at 70-80% of your maximum heart rate (MHR). Below, we examine four popular cardio exercises – running, swimming, cycling and rowing – explain how many calories they burn and which muscles they work. To determine your MHR, subtract your age from 220. If you are 40, your MHR would be 180 BPM. A heart rate monitor is useful for cardiovascular training, enabling you to exercise at the required output. Each session should include 5 to 10-minute warm-up and cool-down – both performed at 50-60% of MHR. It’s also vital to stretch all the muscles used in the activity.

5. Muscle Strength: Even if you have no intention of becoming an Olympic weight-lifter, there’s still reason to care about muscular fitness. It influences your ability to do everyday chores, like housework and yard work. It affects how easily you can carry a bag of groceries or lift a young child. It’s also at the core of physical skill and sports performance, affecting how hard you swing a softball bat or how long you last on the tennis court. Muscle-strengthening exercises are likely to improve your stamina and your energy. Equally important, they increase resistance to injury. People with strong muscles are less likely to suffer everyday muscle aches and pains. They also have less strain on their hearts. Resistance training. Building muscular fitness involves resistance training, progressively overloading your muscles so that they get stronger to meet the challenge. This can be done with exercises that use your body to exert force, like push-ups, chin-ups, and sit-ups. Commonly, people use weight training, also called weight lifting, to provide resistance. Strength gains come from resistance€”how much weight you lift. Endurance is achieved through repetition€”how many times you lift a weight in succession. Both are important to develop. Experts advise you to start any weight-training program with light weights and easy repetition. Start with a weight that you can lift comfortably eight to 12 times. Try to do a second set of each exercise after a break of a few minutes. Do at least one exercise for each muscle group, moving from the larger muscles (the legs) down to smaller ones (arms and biceps). Strength gains come when you work with close to the heaviest weight that you can lift comfortably. This is the overload principle. You’ll see the quickest benefits if you lift the maximum amount during fewer repetitions of each exercise. Using a weight that’s too heavy, however, can lead to injury. And if you’re interested in all-around conditioning, it’s best to start with low amounts and progress gradually.

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We talked a bit about the energetic system of the Chakras last week and discovered the importance of opening up internally so that the energy of this unseen system can flow free of obstruction. The difficulty of learning to find a relationship with the Chakra System is that we cannot see it as it has a “non-physical” form. The same holds true with the Mind, which cannot be seen in physical form but is very much a living entity.

The Mind is complex and very very difficult to understand. It has, as I see it, four components that have very distinct functions. The ability to rationalize, perceive, resist and observe.

The Four Components of Mind

The ability to rationalize serves a very important function that allows us to think about the myriad of stimuli that enter our senses. This function allows us to consider the value of the things that happen to us everyday. Are our romantic relationships fulfilling, is my job worth keeping, am I making the best choices for myself, do I like this or that person, what is my opinion of my physical body, etc., etc. Opinions are formed from the things that we rationally think about and it is very difficult to change them once they are formed. Our opinions are hard-wired into the neuro-pathways of our brain and become “cemented” into our brains. In essence, our “rationalizing” creates the physical make-up of our brains and if we think and rationalize too much we stuff the mind with an overflow of matter that results in stress and delusions. Just like if someone eats too much bad food, they will create too many fat cells that will ultimately put stress on the physical body as can be seen in things like obesity, clogged arteries, stressed joints, and the like. It is not necessary to try to figure everything out rationally and when we do this it is because we are running from our feelings. Feelings bring us to the second component of Mind, which is our ability to perceive.

Perception takes information that is “up” in our heads and allows it to flow down “into” us for a deeper understanding. When I say a deeper understanding, I mean what we feel about that information for one thing. There is also a deeper “knowing” that occurs from our ability to perceive the information and opinions that we make. Some information makes us feel positive feelings and others makes us feel negative feelings. If we have formed a negative or overly critical opinion of something, it results in negative feelings. The deeper we allow ourselves to connect to those negative feelings, the deeper our “knowing” or understanding of that feeling becomes. This is important because the more we know and perceive about our negative feelings the more likely we will choose the more comfortable positive opinions. When we create more positive opinions, the result is more positive feelings. The only way to wake up to our negative opinions is to connect to how we feel about those opinions. The catch and difficulty in this process is that we do not always want to FEEL our negative feelings. And when we don’t feel our negative feelings we remain asleep and allow our negative opinions to drive us in negative directions in an endless cycle of darkness. We now come to our third component of Mind, which is the ability to resist.

Ah, the infamous resistance, which is the part of us that prevents us from becoming free, enlightened, ultimately happy and reaching our highest potential. I am not saying that our resistance is not important because it most defiantly is important and valuable. Without our faculty to resist opinions, feelings, and choices we would not have freedom of choice. The glory of this Universe is that we ALWAYS have a choice to do something new or stay the same. Of course, if we always want to stay the same, then we don’t grow and are not able to experience the glory of all that makes up our lives. It would seem like the obvious choice would be to feel as deeply as we could so that we continue to grow and expand the essence of who we are as a “self.” Yet, one does not go without the other. Without our “negative” feelings and thoughts, we could not understand the beauty of our “positive” thoughts and feelings. The bad aspects of a romantic relationship for example allow us to appreciate the positive aspects. It is a huge mistake and the essence of delusional thinking to only want positive and happy things to occur. On the deepest spiritual level, we came to this physical realm to experience the opposite of our divinity so that we could have something to compare it too and so understand that divinity more deeply. That being said, if you ever wonder why something is not working in your favor, just remember the infamous saying, “what we resist persists.” If you resist arguing with your lover, then those arguments will continue. If you accept them as natural and necessary, they will decrease. Oh the irony of it aye. The final component is our ability to observe.

I won’t say much about observance other than that it is what defines being awake. When we observe our opinions without attaching to them, we are able to truly see them. If we want to know what our opinions are, then we need to observe our thoughts without judgment or attachment. We need to be able to read the content of our Mind just as we would read the content of a book. When we do this, we are able to then truly decide if it is something that we wish to continue. Finally, when you do observe your mind correctly you will have a corresponding feeling that is associated with that thought. When observance is done this way, you can move through the fear within your heart. Remember, enlightenment is an open mind and heart. Many will observe the mind without allowing their feelings about those thoughts to surface and so prevent themselves from being impacted by what they see. When this happens then they simply stay out of the realm of humanity and in the realm of escapism and avoidance.

A Second Opinion

The specific aspects of mind are; 1) “unrest” which means going out to receive sense objects coming to sense doors as fish, cast on earth, strive to go into water, 2) “moving” means non-calm, sometimes it may be calm, but when it is attacked by sense objects, it is distracted by those, 3) “hard observation” means it is very hard to keep it calm (purified), 4) “hard protection” means it is very hard to protect it from forming an opinion, especially a bad (or selfish) opinion, 5) “hard compulsion” means it is very hard to force it not to fall under the five hindrances (it is likened to a drug addict, it is very hard for him to stop taking drugs) because it always falls under the five hindrances, it is hard to realize it, it is very smooth, and it arises and vanishes very rapidly.

This shows that the mind of human beings is restless, always falling down into the valley of unwholesome deeds. This leads human beings into big trouble. In the Buddha’s time, there was a monk named Talaputa. After he had become a monk, he practiced meditation in the forest. He spent a long time doing meditation, but he could not attain enlightenment, as he wished. Then he searched for the cause and he found that it was because of his own mind. He complained to his mind, saying, “Citta (mind), you begged me for many years to leave lay life, now I am a monk as you wish, why now are you lazy and want me to abandon meditation? You always say to me, the forest is beautiful and peaceful and it is a proper place for meditation, then I leave lay life and all my relatives and have lived here for some time, I have tried to please you for ages but now you still hurt me, and want me to go back to where you used to tell me off. From now on I am going to train you, taking you into the cave, observing you like an elephant or horse trainer, I’m going to chain you with meditation (mindfulness), I know that if anyone is influenced by you, he or she will suffer.”

All the complaints of the monk above show that the human mind is made distraught by distractions or attachments, all of which we have derived from mind, and the cycle of life, also, is from mind. As a result the Buddha said, “The world is led by mind, all things are controlled by mind.”

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Let’s further our discussion on the source of conflict. Conflict is something that cannot be avoided. It ALWAYS occurs. That doesn’t mean that it has to be uncomfortable, unpleasant or negative in any way. If understood correctly, conflict is merely difference; difference in belief, ways of doing things, style, etc. The negative aspect of conflict occurs within each individual when they resist the feelings by judging them as somehow “bad.”

Learning to Nurture Ourselves

When we get angry it is because we have not learned how to feel the feelings that are associated with concepts such as loss, worry, and doubt. Now, of course, these types of feelings are natural and normal, but if not properly managed they can cause serious damage. The first step to finding peace is to accept a very harsh reality; no one causes another to become angry, sad, disappointed, etc. The largest misconception I have come across is the notion that another person causes us to feel our feelings. Every single feeling that we have is caused by our perception of what occurred. When we feel sad, angry, upset, and are not able to manage our uncomfortable feelings it is because we have not learned how to process them. Our minds have the tendency to look in the wrong direction for the source of the pain it feels. It looks outside of itself instead of looking within itself. Learning to nurture ourselves cannot happen until we stop looking for something outside of us to do the nurturing. It may seem insensitive and possibly selfish to think this way, but consider the alternative. Until we begin making the source of our uncomfortable feelings our own perception, we are like caged dogs who can only be freed if the “master” opens the cage.

We cripple ourselves by depending on an outside agent (person, place or thing) to change in a way we want so that we can feel better. It is impossible to get those people and circumstances to change in exactly the way we want. And this is where we go wrong. Rather than trying to change the “external” into an exact replica of our desires, it is far more realistic and practical to attempt to influence the “external” towards what we want. The word towards is key because within its essence is the notion of process, which also entails things like patience, allowing, moving, steps of success and the creative process in general. Remember, I am not suggesting that your feelings should be anything other than what they are. It is easy to think that I might be suggesting that we should alter our feelings in some way or that they should be something different if they occur from within us instead of from the outside. That’s just not the case. Your feelings are ALWAYS perfect and NEVER need to be anything other than what they are. Ironically, the ability to accept them as they occur and allow them to surface, be expressed as fully as possible depending on the circumstance, offers the very nurturing that they require. Imagine what it would be like if you had to go the the bathroom, but couldn’t release our urine. Many problems would occur within our physiology that would have lasting damaging effects. The same occurs with our feelings, yet the problems take longer to show themselves. We have accepted ulcers as a bi-product of unexpressed feelings, and the reality is that many of our physical symptoms occur because of unexpressed feelings. This is easy to state and not-so-easy to practice. Below are a few steps to assist you in the practice of nurturing your own feelings.

Simple Tips

Feelings Versus Thoughts and Beliefs

Feelings and thoughts are different, but also are one and the same. They are like the head and tail of a coin. We react to events with both thoughts and feelings. Feelings are emotions, and sensations, and they are different from thoughts, beliefs, interpretations, and convictions. When difficult feelings are expressed, the sharp edges are dulled, and it is easier to release or let go of the bad feeling. If we only express our beliefs about the event and not the feelings, the bad feelings linger and are often harder to release. Whenever someone says, “I feel that,” the person is about to express a belief, not a feeling.

Guidelines For Expressing Feelings

Try to be specific rather than general about how you feel. Consistently using only one or two words to say how you are feeling, such as bad or upset, is too vague and general. What kind of bad or upset? (irritated, mad, anxious, afraid, sad, hurt, lonely, etc.). Specify the degree of the feelings, and you will reduce the chances of being misunderstood. For example, some people may think when you say, “I am angry” means you are extremely angry when you actually mean a “little irritated”. When expressing anger or irritation, first describe the specific behavior you don’t like, then your feelings. This helps to prevent the other person from becoming immediately defensive or intimidated when they first hear “I am angry with you”, and they could miss the message. If you have mixed feelings, say so, and express each feeling and explain what each feeling is about. For example: “I have mixed feelings about what you just did. I am glad and thankful that you helped me, but I didn’t like the comment about being stupid. It was disrespectful and unnecessary and I found it irritating”.

Techniques for Expressing Feelings

The two following – I feel statements and I messages will help you: Express feelings productively. Respectfully confront someone when you are bothered by his or her behavior. Express difficult feelings without attacking the self-esteem of the person. Clarify for you and the other person precisely what you feel. Prevent feelings from building up and festering into a bigger problem. Communicate difficult feelings in a manner that minimizes the other person’s need to become defensive, and increases the likelihood that the person will listen. When you first start using these techniques they will be cumbersome and awkward to apply, and not very useful if you only know them as techniques. However, if you practice these techniques and turn them into skills, it will be easy for you to express difficult feelings in a manner that is productive and respectful.

Which of the two methods you use for expressing your feelings should depend on your goal, the importance or difficulty of your feelings and the situation.

1. I feel statements are used in situations that are clear and fairly simple, when you what to express yourself and avoid a buildup of feelings without attacking or hurting the self-esteem of the other.

2. I messages are used in more complex situations to clarify for yourself and the other person just what you are feeling when a) you have difficult negative feelings, b) you confront someone and want them to change their behavior, and c) it is very sensitive and important that the other person accurately understand.

I Feel Statements

These statements take the form of “When you did that thing I felt this way. That thing is a behavior of the other person, and this way is your specific feelings. Here are some examples: “I felt embarrassed when you told our friends how we are pinching pennies.” “I liked it when you helped with the dishes without being asked.” “I feel hurt and am disappointed that you forgot our anniversary”.

I Messages

It is called an I message because the focus is on you, and the message is about yourself. This is in contrast to a You message which focuses on and gives a message about the other person. When using I messages you take responsibility for your own feelings, rather than accusing the other person of making you feel a certain way. A You message does not communicate a feeling, but a belief about the other person. The essence of an I message is “I have a problem”, while the essence of a You message is “You have a problem”. There are four parts to an I message:

1. When … Describe the person’s behavior you are reacting to in an objective, non-blameful, and non-judgmental manner.
2. The effects are … Describe the concrete or tangible effects of that behavior. (This is the most important part for the other person to understand – your reaction.)
3. I feel … Say how you feel. (This is the most important part to prevent a buildup of feelings.)
4. I’d prefer … Tell the person what you want or what you prefer they do. You can omit this part if it is obvious.

The order in which you express these parts is usually not important. Here are some examples: ” When you take company time for your personal affairs and then don’t have time to finish the urgent work I give you, I get furious. I want you to finish the company’s work before you work on your personal affairs.” “I lose my concentration when you come in to ask a question, and I don’t like it. Please don’t interrupt me when I am working unless it is urgent.” “It is very hard for me to keep our place neat and clean when you leave your clothes and other stuff laying around. It creates a lot more work for me and it takes a lot longer, and I get resentful about it. I’d prefer that you put your clothes away and put your trash in the basket.” “I resent it when your flirting with the women keeps you from having time for your work, because it means more work for me.”

Common Mistakes

Not expressing a feeling at all, expressing a belief or judgment. Sending a disguised You message. Only expressing negative feelings. The nonverbal body language contradicting the words. For example, smiling when irritated. Practice these techniques and turn them into useful skills. Make it easy for yourself to spontaneously express difficult feelings in a manner that is productive and respectful.

Source

Technological advances like the internet, computers, better transportation options, cell phones, etc. have made working life easier. Computer programs do much of our work for us, cell phones allow us to contact anyone at anytime, airplanes allow us to go anywhere in the world in a matter of hours and the internet allows us access to information at the click of a button. Yet, many individuals complain about not having enough time in the day to complete their work tasks and that they don’t have enough time to spend with their families.

If our technological advances have afforded us more time, then why are many of us still complaining about not having enough time to do the things that we are required to do? The simplistic answer is that individuals are not managing their time appropriately and so need assistance in time management. This simply is not true. I am awed at how the American family is able to work between 50 to 80 hours per week, raise children, volunteer their time (which many do) to various causes that they believe in, and still find time for social activities. They obviously know how to manage their time, but they could use assistance in balancing their activities and finding flow while engaging in these activities.

Creating Balance

Before an individual can discover how to create balance, he or she must first decide what they value most. Many people probably think that they know what is important to them, but I would venture to say that they only have a vague idea regarding those things. Whether they are clear or not, it is worth suspending the supposed clarity or lack there of in order to delve into new possibilities. Such an activity can be exciting, fun and very freeing if done in a way that works. Below are some simple steps towards determining what one values most in life.

1. Brainstorm: Get a piece of paper and write down everything that you think you want to do and find valuable. Don’t censure yourself! Let yourself be free and open your mind to all the possibilities. No matter how silly or even insane the things might seem to your rational mind. You are doing this exercise correctly when the things that you write down don’t make sense to you or you don’t think that you could ever do them. The key is that you have an interest in them!

2. Categorize: Take each item that you wrote down and categorize them by “area type.” Examples include but are not limited to: health, wealth, food, family, etc. Try not to use general words like “love” or “relationships.” Instead of “relationships” say “parents,” “lover,” “children,” “boyfriend,” etc. This step helps the mind find clarity and creates a deeper sense of what the goals mean to you. It also causes your internal connection to them to find an avenue for expression. Don’t be surprised if you experience various feeling during this process.

3. Prioritize: Put each goal from your categorized list into an order of importance sequence. This does not mean compromise which ones you should do or shouldn’t do. The idea is that you are going to experience all of them at one point throughout your life. A long-term perspective is helpful because it decreases undo pressure and the need to force them all to happen quickly. When you see that you have 20, 30, 40 years to achieve your life goals, the experience becomes quite fulfilling.

4. Schedule: Once you have completed steps 1 — 3 the fun really starts; you get to begin doing the things you want. All that is required is that you begin scheduling time to do them in your weekly calendar. If you don’t keep a weekly calendar, then I would suggest that you do so. By creating a weekly schedule, you free your mind up from thinking about what it needs to do. Instead of having these things clutter up your mind, you need to just look at what you’ve schedule for the day and do it.

These steps are key to finding balance within your life. If most of your schedule consists of work stuff, begin shedding in some areas and adding other areas of interest. These changes don’t have to be drastic. Deciding to leave work 30 minutes early twice a week so that you can get to the gym or so that you can begin reading that book you’ve been wanting to read is a great way to start. If you think your boss won’t want you to leave, try having an open dialogue with him or her regarding your schedule. I have worked with many clients who claim that their work schedule is unbending. Well, after I gave them some coaching tips they were able to work something out with their bosses.
Finding Flow

What is this thing called “flow?” Any description will be flawed because language can never substitute or accurately describe a physiological or spiritual experience. A person trying to explain the love they have for their romantic partner or the feeling they experienced while parachuting out of an airplane will never live up to the actual experience. All an explanation can do is either help someone relate their own experience or lack-there-of to what is said, which will never be an absolute description. That being said, I will do my best to describe that which cannot be accurately described. For those who have experienced the thrill of athletics, dancing, acting, painting and the like will have some idea of what this “flow” experience is like. The time you made that outstanding athletic play without even thinking about it is what I’m talking about; it was as if the move came out of you.

Let’s use a concrete example. You are watching a basketball game and the offensive player is at the top of the key and knows that his or her goal is to put the basketball into the basket. The player dribbles and lunges to the left and instinctually goes right and finds a new defender in front of him/her. Again, without thinking about it, the player spins 360 degrees around the player without picking up his/her dribble, and drives directly towards the basket for a lay up. While in the air when attempting the lay up, a new defender comes from the opposite direction to block the path to the basket. The offensive player then, in mid-air, pump-fakes and dips the ball under the outstretch arms of the defender to his/her teammate who lays the ball in the hoop for two points. As this example shows, the offensive player could not have thought about doing all of those things before driving to the basket. It would have taken too long and it would have been impossible because he/she could not have foreseen all of the potential obstacles along the way.

This same kind of thing can be experienced in everyday life with a few simple tools. The idea is to create the right habits so that you instinctually know where to go and which actions are the most valuable for the things you want to create in your life.

1. Mind Training: Much of life’s difficulties stem from our inability to turn off the rational part of our thinking; the part of the mind that wonders how, when and if something will happen. The reality is that we never have an absolute answer to any of these questions. The only thing that we can know for certain is “what” we want to create or choose to happen to us. Whether it actually happens, when it will happen and how it will happen is ALWAYS a guess. One way of training the mind is to spend time each day training it to be with one thought repetitively. Sit in a comfortable place and repeat something you’d like to happen repeatedly in the affirmative. For example: “I am enjoying my days.” This is different than “I hope to enjoy my days.” The latter example will still train your mind to focus, but it will result in a “hoping” versus “having.” Remember, the body will experience what we tell it to.

2. “Now” Training: Create healthy habits to establish a strong sense of self and comfortableness with the mundane elements of your daily routine. Don’t put things off for later; do everything you can or need to do as quickly as possible. For example, don’t wait to pay your bills. Once your bills come in the mail, open them, file the receipt away, write the check, put the check in the envelope and put the stamp on the envelope. Practicing the habit of doing things right away will enable you to feel in flow because you won’t feel the pressure of things left undone. If you can’t do everything right away, at the very least write them down in a notebook or piece of paper at your desk and pick a certain time of day to take care of them. For example your mind might say, “I need to call my Mom,” “I need to schedule an appointment with my doctor,” or “I need to reschedule my massage appointment.” Writing them down will prevent these thoughts from resurfacing respectively. The quicker you do things the less you will have to think about them, which prevents this “flow” experience. Remember, too much thinking takes us out of flow.

3. Observance Training: Practice observing your mind’s thoughts without acting on them. Observe them as content, just as you would read the contents of a book. Our minds are continuously yapping about something until we give it reason to be quiet. One way we do this is to observe the thoughts without acting on them. If this is done enough, our minds will realize and learn that the chatter will no longer be accepted. Remember, the mind thinks things in the hopes of action being done to “solve” those things. The goal is that we control our minds versus our minds controlling us. This transformation cannot occur until we first learn how to read the content of our thinking without acting upon that content. Much of what the mind is demanding that we do is not really necessary. It is just our fear manifesting itself in fearful thoughts. A strong observance ability allows the mind to automatically learn what is really valuable and what isn’t; distinguishing between that which is trivial and significant. You don’t have to sit in silent meditation to practice your observance abilities. It is actually more effective during the numerous activities of everyday life. Another observance technique is to focus your attention on the things in front of you. We are often thinking about things instead of being present to the things in front of us. For example, when walking down the street bring your attention to the things in your current environment. See the tree, the color of the cars parked along the street, the birds in the trees or the clothes that people are wearing. Don’t judge these things, just see them. Also, hear the sounds and smell the smells that surround you…

…All of this will help you find peace and flow!

It is difficult to be a human being. This difficulty stems in part from the myriad of needs that we are required to fulfill for ourselves in order to find happiness. Finding happiness is difficult in modern society due to the overwhelming push to find it in things outside ourselves. Simply, the general theme seems to be, “If or when I get something (i.e. the right job, relationship, car, house, money, etc.) I will be happy.” This type of thinking always results in a gap between ourselves and the goal of happiness; the carrot at the end of a string that we can’t quite reach. Once we get one thing, we will then need to seek out the next thing to keep the happiness fresh and alive. And so the cycle becomes or results in always looking for or trying to obtain happiness.

A more valuable way to approach our quest for happiness would be a perspective that values the process of creating moments of happiness, which allows for and gives value to “unhappiness.” In creating moments of happiness, versus trying to grab and hold on to it, there is room for the ebb and flow or up and down cycle that is a reality of life. In essence, the obstacles and benefits are given equal value. Essentially, the distinction that I am referring to is the difference between internal motivation and external motivation as the catalytic drive enabling us to do the things that we do.

The Nature of Motivation

Motivation is a set of internal and external influences that initiate various behaviors and dictate what those behaviors will look like, their direction, intensity and length. Any particular motivation results from various types of interaction between individual (internal) and environmental (external) characteristics that will ultimately spark the actions that people take. Individual characteristics consist of an individual’s personality traits, personal needs, perceptual makeup, and cognitive development (ways of thinking). External factors include things like rules, job requirements, social norms, government regulations and laws. Level’s of motivation can be measured in many ways: by comparing one’s actions to others’ actions, relating the level of action taken to expected outcomes (am I willing to take the amount of action necessary), confidence in one’s ability, consciously setting goals, the overall value that is placed on an expected outcome (is the prize valuable), and by the inherent determination levels of individuals.

My work as a Personal Development Consultant focuses on one key factor in achieving high levels of motivation. I begin by challenging individuals to engage in activities that they desire most versus what they think is possible. There is no magical formula here; it’s as simple as declaring what you would like to do. Naturally, if a client said that they wanted be a professional basketball player and they were 45 years old and had never played the game before I would discourage them in their quest. I am also not suggesting that individuals do whatever they want at the expense of others.

It should be noted that declaring what you want to do in life is not such an easy thing to do. It can be very difficult to think in such a free way because of all the social conditioning that we have been exposed to in the form of people (priests, parents, teachers, friends, technology, etc.) telling us what to do versus encouraging us to do what we love. We block ourselves by taking the notion of doing “what makes sense” too far. It takes some time to clear all of this conditioning, but once it is done and we have tapped into our actual interests the fun really begins. The bottom line is, if you are doing what you choose, it is far easier to be motivated each day.

Four Types of Motivation

1. Extrinsic Motivation: The willingness of an individual to act based on the potential rewards that can be achieved in exchange for that action. People with positive extrinsic motivation make their choices in order to receive formal rewards like salary, money, intimacy, respect, notoriety, etc. A negative example of extrinsically motivated people is when they take a particular action to avoid punishment like economic sanctions, physical or emotional damage, etc. This is an action based on fear and so will likely result in decreased motivation over long periods of time. In general, motivation without rewards will not succeed. Again, taking an action out of fear of losing something versus gaining something is what prevents an outlook of creating happiness.

2. Intrinsic Motivation: The willingness of an individual to act is based on the the potential satisfaction that they will experience in exchange for the action. The action is motivated by the experience of learning or pleasure that could occur from the specified task. Those with intrinsic motivation engage in actions that are personally rewarding and are curiosity satisfiers. A positive intrinsic motivational act is based on the need to have fun and create a sense of achievement. Negativity can also occur here, which results when a task is boring or does not have any interesting components. The byproduct of such negativity is less effort or decreased motivation to do the task.

3. Contributive Motivation: In this scenario, the willingness to act is based on the benefits that an individual thinks other people will experience. Contributing to a project, cause, or group due to a sense of altruism, moral norms, or reaffirming their beliefs is the motivating factor here. Conversely, people can take actions for others that could produce negative consequences that derive from a sense of envy or revenge.

4. Relational Motivation: In this scenario, the willingness of an individual to act stems from the expected impact that the behavior has on the relationship between him/her and the person that the action affects. External norms play a large part in this type of motivation, causing individuals to try and meet expected relationship norms. Examples include, impressing your boss, pleasing a loved one, fulfilling religious rituals, etc. The way to determine the positive or negative nature of this type of motivation is simple. It is positive if the relationship improves and negative if it deteriorates.