Obstacles Equal Success

It might seem odd to suggest that obstacles are the source of success versus failure. But it is true. Whenever obstacles present themselves during the process of manifesting our goals, they should be viewed with appreciation. They should also spark hope, deeper determination, and inner-drive. So often in today’s society, we allow this wonderful source of inspiration (obstacles) to deter us because we view them as failures. A better understanding of what failure is will allow this new perspective regarding obstacles to begin to rise within our consciousness and help us embrace and welcome obstacles.

Failure Is An Illusion

I was teaching at New York University recently and during my Interviewing Strategies class, I mentioned that failure was an illusion. Naturally, my comment sparked quite a spirited dialogue and it turned out that none of my students agreed with my point of view. As we discussed it further, I said that failure is a term that usually is viewed in an absolute way, a way that would signify a complete end or loss. If you look at the various ways the word is defined, it becomes evident that it does not always signify a complete end. I have listed six ways the word “failure” is defined below that I got from my “Word-Dictionary” that I use with my computer.

1.A lack of success in something, or an unsuccessful attempt at doing something

2. Something that falls short of what is required or expected

3. Somebody who or something that is unsuccessful

4. A breakdown or decline in the performance of something, or an occasion when something stops working or stops working adequately

5. Inadequate growth, development, or production of something

Each of the definitions above uses words that either imply an end or a temporary end. I would say that the the words that imply a temporary end are more accurate and based in reality. Things don’t necessarily end, if we choose to never give up. The important thing is to view them as temporary setbacks versus absolute failures. Unfortunately, it is easy to fall into an absolute way of thinking that can only result in an end instead of a momentary set-back. During the discussion with my students at New York University I asked them if they thought Gandhi failed in what he wanted to achieve. Surprisingly, to me anyway, most of them said that he had failed. When I asked them why, one student said with passion, “he was assassinated.” Once the class quieted down, I reminded them that living was not Gandhi’s ultimate goal and that he had in fact achieved his goal of helping his country achieve its independence. In the end my students saw my point. Certainly, I am not suggesting that we need to risk our lives to make our goals happen, but it is an undeniable fact that risk is necessary in order to win big. This brings us to my initial point, that obstacles should be a source of inspiration and hope. For when we risk, we are inviting obstacles, which prove that we are on the right track. Let me explain further.

Obstacles Are the Source of Hope

Much of my work with clients entails assisting them in developing a better relationship with the challenges that occur as they engage in the transformative nature of choosing exactly what they wish to be professionally and personally. In an effort to explain what I mean by this I use exercise as an educational tool. When people begin to exercise it is usually to feel better, yet when they first begin, they feel worse. Their muscles are not used to being challenged in this new way and the result is pain or “obstacles” to their ultimate goal of feeling better. So, in order to feel better, they must first feel worse. The same holds true when we strive to have a better job, romantic relationship, or to make more money. If you pay attention, you will see a pattern in the occurrences that surround your goal, whether that goal is about money, love, or friendship. We will discover that we have been repeating similar situations if not the same ones over and over. Paying attention to the patterns are very important as they will allow you to see the choices that are not working for you, which is the first step to figuring out better choices. It can be very difficult to recognize the choices that are getting in our way, which is where I as an outside consultant come in. As an outside party I am able to help individuals identify those things that either they are not able to see or are unwilling to admit. I have listed below what I believe to be the elements of creating fundamental change.

1. Decide to make the change and commit to it no matter what happens.

2. Acknowledge the negative pattern and how you created that negativity by identifying the choices you made that were not the most valuable.

3. Begin to make better choices WITHOUT blaming or shaming anyone else, including yourself! And remember, a new girlfriend or new job will not make things better. You will just attract the same or similar situation. You must make the change from the inside out, not the outside in.

4. Have a perspective that decides to make your current situation better versus get a new situation. Wanting a new situation puts the blame on the outside versus allowing you to take responsibility for how you created the negativity that you are faced with.

5. Understand that you can’t make someone change, but that your job is to truly be a source of inspiration for that change until you have exhausted all possibilities. This is tricky as it is easy to just give up. Yet, if you listen to your heart and not your head, you’ll know when to let it go and move FORWARD by looking for a new job or relationship. But only after you have exhausted all possibilities and given the old situation a legitimate chance to get better.

6. Finally, remember that things will get worse before they get better. Just like the exercise analogy that I discussed above. Welcome these obstacles as the source of your success!

Effective Interviewing

My clients often ask me how they can become better interviewers and wish they sounded more confidant when they answered the questions asked them. They often think that if they were better at “interviewing techniques” like how to sit up properly, how to have effective eye contact or which color of clothing will help them appear to be the most viable candidate.

This is of course a silly approach to effective interviewing. That is not to say that the “interviewing techniques” are not valuable and worth noting. They certainly are, but they are not what is most important. What is most important to effective interviewing is having a deep connection and very clear understanding to their resume.

Writing An Effective Resume

In order to write an effective resume you have to begin with some sort of reflective exercise that challenges you to think about, reflect upon and write down all of the various aspects of all your significant past jobs; even though all of the past job may not be listed on the final version. This reflective process reconnects us to all that we have done professionally and assists us in clearly understanding the various directions our career has taken. When this is done, we are able to communicate about our career objectives based not only on which direction we want our career to go, but also from where these directive decisions came from. The best way to show a prospective employer that you are a viable candidate for a job is to establish a clear sense of how you benefited your previous employers and how that experience will carry over into the new job.

It is just as valuable to express why you chose a career path and where you hope that career will go as it is to state what you did at your past jobs. In fact, having a deep connection or in other words, a passionate zeal about your career intentions is the most important element of the interviewing process. When this occurs, a natural confidence and motivation is expressed by the interviewee that always is appealing to the interviewer. It is impossible to teach someone how to be motivated or confident because these are conditions of the “inner-workings” of our total self. What I can teach someone is how to cause these byproducts to occur frequently. We can cause these outcomes by determining to never give up on a career path, to acknowledge the authenticity of our career needs and by establishing a vision of what our career will be long-term.

Resume Tips

Key Concepts for Powerful, Effective Resumes.

1. Your resume is YOUR marketing tool, not a personnel document.
2. It is about YOU the job hunter, not just about the jobs you’ve held.
3. It focuses on your future, not your past.
4. It emphasizes your accomplishments, not your past job duties or job descriptions.
5. It documents skills you enjoy using, not skills you used just because you had to.
10 Steps in Creating a Valuable Resume

1. Choose a target job (also called a “job objective”). An actual job title & company name works best.
2. Find out what skills, knowledge, and experience are needed to do that target job.
3. Make a list of your 2, 3, or 4 strongest skills or abilities or knowledge that make you a good candidate for the target job.
4. For each key skill, think of several accomplishments from your past work history that illustrate that skill.
5. Describe each accomplishment in a simple, powerful, action statement that emphasizes the results that benefited your employer.
6. Make a list of the primary jobs you’ve held, in chronological order. Include any unpaid work that fills a gap or that shows you have the skills for the job.
7. Make a list of your training and education that’s related to the new job you want.
8. Choose a resume format that fits your situation–either chronological or functional. Functional works best if you’re changing fields; chronological works well if you’re moving up in the same field.]
9. Arrange your action statements according to the format you choose.
10. Summarize your key points at the top of your resume.

Trusting Your Daimon or “Inner Voice”

Everyone has a primary struggle or obstacle in their quest to accomplish their goals. Of course, there are many struggles and obstacles in this process from discovering what your goals are to figuring out how to achieve them to gathering the internal courage and determination to see them through. Yet, each of these aspects are secondary to the primary obstacle, which is to knowing if the choices that are made will produce the most favorable results.

During difficult times, individuals seek advice and guidance from friends, family members, professionals, support groups and the like. Yet, all of these “voices” are external to the individual and so speculative. I say speculative because the advice and knowledge are based on another person’s personal and professional experience, which can never match our own experiences and wisdom. There is certainly nothing wrong with seeking guidance, but looking for someone else to tell you what the best answer is can be problematic. It is problematic for the person giving the advice because in doing so he/she must also then take on the burden of the consequences; favorable or not. Plus, when someone tries to think for another, they rob that individual of the opportunity to deepen their faith in their ability to make their own choices and so crippling them on the deepest of levels. Each person has a divine inner-voice or Daimon that is all knowing and who has the “right” answers regardless if that information makes logical sense. It is a distant voice from deep within our core that the Greeks called “Daimon!” It is impossible to trust that divine voice if we make choices based on an outside “voice.”

Respecting Our Daimon

Spiritual emancipation, enlightenment, entrance into the kingdom of God, ultimate happiness and the like are things each of us strive for in our own way. There are those who say that we have to accept ourselves for who we are regardless of what we have or what we achieve, which is of course sound advice. Yet, in the grand scope of things we each have a responsibility to follow our dreams and never give up on those dreams. Never, ever, ever; NEVER! Remember, I did not say “achieve” those dreams. I said follow them and never give up on them. Otherwise, ideas like, “if it was meant to be it will be,” or “what ever happens happens,” can be misunderstood and cause an individual to miss the point. Yes, it is true that we cannot predict an outcome absolutely and so “if it was meant to be it will be.” However, that does not relieve us of our responsibility to continue towards our mission or calling. Make no mistake, each of us has a divine mission and purpose in this life that demands our commitment and focus. And that mission is expressed by our Daimon in subtle and not-so-subtle ways. The challenge with following our Daimon is that it will always urge us in the direction of our fears as the only means of overcoming them. That quiet little voice that exists down into our core will gently coax and lean us towards letting go of what is familiar or what we know to be true so that we can experience our power. A person who fears heights cannot overcome that fear without experiencing heights The notion of relieving a fear without living that fear, at least momentarily, is really the avoidance of that fear. Period.

Trusting our own internally divine companion is the source of our greatest joy, but also the source of our greatest discomfort because such trust can only be achieved by passing through our fear experientially. The Daimon can also be viewed as an individual’s greatest potential that cannot be altered by human tinkering and which is not dependent on our physical or social laws. It’s essence allows for mystery and the “darkness” of possibilities that cannot be known by what is familiar to us intellectually or emotionally. James Hillman, in his book, The Soul’s Code, discusses what he calls the Acorn Theory, which understands that there is a reason that an individual life is here on the planet. Each individual has an innate image of what it must create in the physical world with one’s life and is answerable to that innate image. We are all held accountable to our Soul’s purpose in this life, and if we ignore it, then the result is nothing short of unnecessary suffering. Hillman says that in order to uncover that image or mission, we must set aside the psychological frames that we are used to, those ideas of right and wrong, of what makes “sense” and what doesn’t and step into the imaginative mist that engulfs each of us. We must delve into what Quantum Physics has discovered and labeled the sub-atomic particles that equal pure potentiality and are the source of all creation. Once we get past the social conditioning of our intelligence and enter into the mysteriousness, we can then tap our imagination via those sub-atomic particles and instantly create any person, place or thing. The challenge is that we cannot tap the sub-atomic realm with a doubtful mind and fearful heart. And so the journey of uncovering our destiny that is written into our Acorn is one of continually deepening our faith in that which seems impossible! As I previously said, never stop moving towards your dreams, for it is only in that quest that one can break down the limitations of a dull or limited mind.
The Glory of Dreaming Big!

Dreaming big is necessary for your soul to survive and for you to stay connected to your it. There is no better drug or greater high on the planet than having a dream come true. The more you dream and challenge yourself to stay on course with those dreams the healthier you will become. For those who say that they don’t know what they want to do or that they don’t have any dreams I tell them that they are mistaken. They do know, but from a different place, from their source, Daimon, or soul. All a person needs to do is listen, really listen, and work towards the outcome they seek, and they will discover over time a new found vitality, happiness and energy. And God forbid that someone let’s go of a dream, they must face the harsh reality that they have just committed suicide to a part of themselves. Dreaming of a better life and “going for it” is a requirement of happiness. You cannot be truly happy without it. You might be able to establish a level of contentment, but that is not happiness.

It is important to remember that when you dream big and challenge yourself to overcome your fears and doubts, your life will go through a period of hardship. Be wise and understand that this is part of the process. Just like when someone begins exercising for the first time in years. He/she decided to exercise to feel better, but because the individual was out of shape they had to go through a period of feeling bad before they could feel good. Muscles that are not used to exercise scream out in pain when they are first challenged to become healthy. Yet, it is a scientific fact that if the individual stays the course and keeps exercising, their muscles will get stronger, healthier, and ultimately feel better. The same holds true when you challenge yourself to get out of your “rut” job and open up your own business so that you can become a millionaire instead of a part of the “salaried herd” who make good money but will never achieve wealth where they are in their job.

Please understand that as you break out of the mold, you will find that individuals will try to sabotage you saying that you cannot do it and that you are crazy or something like that. All they are really saying is, “I don’t want you to succeed because if you do, I have to look at my own level of unhappiness.” And many people are too afraid to do that, so they try and bring you back down to their level. Don’t let sour criticism spoil your dream. Hold onto it, and do the best you can to make it come true. Hold onto your dreams even during those the long lonely nights it takes to get where you want to go–and notice each small step of success as you get there. Nurture your dream. Nurture yourself. If you do that, your success is guaranteed. Truly! It is guaranteed if you do that.

Not allowing ourselves to follow our dreams, or even to just dream, can eat away at us, and cause us to become bitter, angry, and self-loathing. But following our dreams brings us a motivation and peacefulness that cannot be fathomed by those who are running from their Daimon’s image. Even when it’s hard, fearful and everything in us wants to give up and we can’t think how we’re going to get there, there is still always something that feels right to us. Deep down at our core, our souls are whispering to our hearts to never give up, forcing us to feel truly and absolutely alive!

Here are some steps to bringing yourself closer to your dreams. Follow these steps and you too can be following your dreams:

1. Claim your dreams. This may take awhile, but don’t rush and have patience.Take time out everyday to listen to your Daimon or “inner-voice.” Listen inside yourself for what you really want, and claim it as a possibility at least. Even if you don’t believe that it can come true, let it live in the realm of possibility and you will find that it will show itself to you

2. Become clear to your negative beliefs that are preventing you from your dreams. Is a part of you afraid of succeeding or becoming really happy? It’s possible that you don’t even think you deserve to have wonderful things happen to you or that people will think you are stupid or unrealistic. Or does the dream seem too grand, too huge, or above your capabilities to handle? All of these thinking habits are illusions that you have to fight through and reprogram within your mind.

3. Writing Out The Steps. Write down your goals and some basic steps that you need to take for them to happen. Don’t worry if the steps are right or the best ones that should be taken, just start taking action. You will find that things will wiggle their way in the right direction.

4. Taking Baby Steps. It’s not necessary to jump into the abyss with your eyes closed. Just begin taking some action, even if it is just one or two things per week. If you commit to these one or two things consistently over time you will find that opportunities will come to you that will require you to do more. You don’t have to figure everything out before hand. Just begin!

6. Stay Clear and Focused. Don’t keep changing your mind! Gandhi talked a lot about the importance of making a vow. That being said, it is possible that what your dreams look like might morph into something that you didn’t expect. For example, you may have had the goal of becoming a high school teacher and during that process was offered a private tutoring job that you loved. Not only did you love it, but the money was better with less work hours. In the end, you were still teaching. Teaching is what you needed to make a vow about.

This newsletter was assisted by the following links:
www.icbs.com
www.sengifted.org/articles_learning
www.pantheon.org

The 5 Elements of Fitness

As I see it, individuals view fitness in a very general and limiting way. Generally speaking, the goal of fitness is often to become thin, look good aesthetically, and to have strong muscles. Of course, not all people think this way, but I am speaking from my own experience and from what I see in society today. There seems to be more concern with how we look versus how well our body feels and functions. In order for our “total self” to become “fitness ready,” we must engage in all 5 of my elements of fitness.

The 5 Elements of Fitness

1. Breath: Clinical studies prove that oxygen, wellness, and life-span are totally dependent on proper breathing. Lung volume is a primary marker for how long you will live. Breathing supplies over 99% of your entire oxygen and energy supply. Poor breathing causes or worsens chronic maladies such as asthma, allergies, anxiety, fatigue, depression, headaches, heart conditions, high blood pressure, sleep loss, obesity, harmful stress, poor mental clarity plus hundreds of other lesser known but equally harmful conditions. ALL diseases are caused or worsened by poor breathing. The average person reaches peak respiratory function and lung capacity in their mid 20’s. Then they begin to loose respiratory capacity: between 10% and 27% for every decade of life! So, unless you are doing something to maintain or improve your breathing capacity, it will decline, and with it, your general health, your life expectancy, and for that matter, your spirit as well. Optimal breathing gets you more vitality and better quality of life. We also address food, exercise, internal cleansing, attitude, and environment but breathing is for many the most important part of getting and staying healthy. Begin with breathing. Better breathing is possible for anyone. Develop your breathing now.” Breathing is the FIRST place not the LAST place one should investigate when any disordered energy presents itself.” Sheldon Saul Hendler, MD Ph.D. , The Oxygen Breakthrough, Breathing fundamentals are critical. Just because one particular breathing exercise or development technique feels good does not mean it is the best choice. Many feel good at the outset of a certain exercise but that is largely because so many breathe so poorly that any progress feels significant, and it may well be. But each technique or exercise must be based in solid breathing fundamentals otherwise they can work against each other and cause future breathing development problems. Like a rocket ship even slightly off coarse, as the days and weeks pass you will travel further and further away from your goal of a long healthy, vibrant life. Knowing the fundamentals helps you stay on course.

2. Flexibility: Flexibility is the ability to move joints and muscles through their full range of motion. As you become more flexible, you will find it easier to reach things on high shelves, to look under a bed, or perhaps to tie your shoes. You will also have a better sense of balance and coordination. To stay flexible, stretch all your major groups of muscles. These include the muscles of your arms, back, hips, front and back of your thighs, and calves. Try to stretch for 10 to 12 minutes a day, after a brief warm-up. Do some stretches first thing in the morning, take a stretch break instead of a coffee break, or stretch in the office for a few minutes. Or participate in activities that include stretching, such as dance, martial arts (aikido or karate), tai chi, or yoga. Stretching also can be done as part of strength training and aerobic exercise. When you exercise, you repeatedly shorten your muscles. To counter this effect, you need to stretch slowly and regularly, which makes you more flexible. Combining it with other forms of fitness is an ideal way to practice flexibility fitness. When getting started with flexibility and stretching, begin slowly and increase your efforts gradually. You can measure your progress with flexibility by noticing how much farther you can do each stretch. Can you go farther with each stretch than you could when you started? If so, your flexibility is improving.

3. Emotions: Emotions serve as the source of human energy, authenticity and drive, and can offer us a wellspring of intuitive wisdom. Each feeling provides us with valuable feedback throughout the day. This feedback from the heart is what ignites creativity, keeps us honest with ourselves, guides trusting relationships, and provides the compass for our life and career. Emotional intelligence requires that we learn to acknowledge and understand feelings – in ourselves and others – and that we appropriately respond to them, creatively applying the energy of the emotions to our daily life, work and relationships. Emotional intelligence is demonstrated by tolerance, empathy and compassion for others; the ability to verbalize feelings accurately and with integrity; and the resilience to bounce back from emotional upsets. It is the ability to be a deeply feeling, authentic human being, no matter what life brings, no matter what challenges and opportunities we face. Emotional intelligence (EQ) may be even more important than IQ in one’s ability to achieve success and happiness. I may score well on tests and excel academically, but how well do I handle disappointment, anger, jealousy and fear, the problems of communication, and all the ups and downs of relationships? Persons with high EQ – who have developed emotional literacy – will have more confidence and trust in themselves, and more understanding of others and therefore empathy with them. So they will make better relationships and experience more achievement, love and joy in their life. They will be emotionally mature, a state that many adults do not achieve. If these skills were taught widely, in the home as well as at school, and amongst adults too of course, it would provide the basis of a much saner and happier world to live in. At its essence, a meaningful and successful life requires being attuned to what is on the inside, beneath the mental analyzes, the appearances and control, and beneath the rhetoric. It requires being attuned to the heart, the center of our emotions and outgoing reach to the world. Our heart activates our deepest values, transforming them from something we think about to what we actually do in our life. The heart is the place of courage and spirit, integrity and commitment – the source of energy and deep feelings that call us to create, learn, cooperate, lead and serve. When we have painful feelings, the heart is telling us we have unmet needs, or we are interpreting reality through some kind of distorting filter. When we have positive feelings, the heart is telling us we are pointing in the right direction, towards fulfillment of our needs and towards truth. Our Higher Self, the all-knowing part of us connected to all consciousness, communicates to our body-mind through this channel – not through verbal messages but through the heart. We just need to be open to receive this intuitive wisdom.

4. Cardiovascular: To stay healthy, adults should do at least 20 minutes of vigorous cardiovascular exercise three times a week, according to joint research from Exeter and Brunel universities. Not only will good cardiovascular fitness reduce the risk of a stroke, high blood pressure and diabetes, it will improve your performance in most sports. Cardiovascular fitness refers to the ability of your heart, lungs and blood vessels (cardiovascular system) to carry oxygen to, and carbon dioxide away from, working muscles. Your resting heart rate (RHR) is a good indication of your overall cardiovascular fitness level. The lower it is, the more efficiently your heart is pumping blood around your body. Seventy beats per minute (BPM) is average for a healthy heart and to improve cardiovascular fitness you must train at 70-80% of your maximum heart rate (MHR). Below, we examine four popular cardio exercises – running, swimming, cycling and rowing – explain how many calories they burn and which muscles they work. To determine your MHR, subtract your age from 220. If you are 40, your MHR would be 180 BPM. A heart rate monitor is useful for cardiovascular training, enabling you to exercise at the required output. Each session should include 5 to 10-minute warm-up and cool-down – both performed at 50-60% of MHR. It’s also vital to stretch all the muscles used in the activity.

5. Muscle Strength: Even if you have no intention of becoming an Olympic weight-lifter, there’s still reason to care about muscular fitness. It influences your ability to do everyday chores, like housework and yard work. It affects how easily you can carry a bag of groceries or lift a young child. It’s also at the core of physical skill and sports performance, affecting how hard you swing a softball bat or how long you last on the tennis court. Muscle-strengthening exercises are likely to improve your stamina and your energy. Equally important, they increase resistance to injury. People with strong muscles are less likely to suffer everyday muscle aches and pains. They also have less strain on their hearts. Resistance training. Building muscular fitness involves resistance training, progressively overloading your muscles so that they get stronger to meet the challenge. This can be done with exercises that use your body to exert force, like push-ups, chin-ups, and sit-ups. Commonly, people use weight training, also called weight lifting, to provide resistance. Strength gains come from resistance€”how much weight you lift. Endurance is achieved through repetition€”how many times you lift a weight in succession. Both are important to develop. Experts advise you to start any weight-training program with light weights and easy repetition. Start with a weight that you can lift comfortably eight to 12 times. Try to do a second set of each exercise after a break of a few minutes. Do at least one exercise for each muscle group, moving from the larger muscles (the legs) down to smaller ones (arms and biceps). Strength gains come when you work with close to the heaviest weight that you can lift comfortably. This is the overload principle. You’ll see the quickest benefits if you lift the maximum amount during fewer repetitions of each exercise. Using a weight that’s too heavy, however, can lead to injury. And if you’re interested in all-around conditioning, it’s best to start with low amounts and progress gradually.

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Effective Interviewing Stems From Effective Resume Writing

My clients often ask me how they can become better interviewers and wish they sounded more confidant when they answered the questions asked them. They often think that if they were better at “interviewing techniques” like how to sit up properly, how to have effective eye contact or which color of clothing will help them appear to be the most viable candidate.

This is of course a silly approach to effective interviewing. That is not to say that the “interviewing techniques” are not valuable and worth noting. They certainly are, but they are not what is most important. What is most important to effective interviewing is having a deep connection and very clear understanding to their resume.

Writing An Effective Resume

In order to write an effective resume you have to begin with some sort of reflective exercise that challenges you to think about, reflect upon and write down all of the various aspects of all your significant past jobs; even though all of the past job may not be listed on the final version. This reflective process reconnects us to all that we have done professionally and assists us in clearly understanding the various directions our career has taken. When this is done, we are able to communicate about our career objectives based not only on which direction we want our career to go, but also from where these directive decisions came from. The best way to show a prospective employer that you are a viable candidate for a job is to establish a clear sense of how you benefited your previous employers and how that experience will carry over into the new job.

It is just as valuable to express why you chose a career path and where you hope that career will go as it is to state what you did at your past jobs. In fact, having a deep connection or in other words, a passionate zeal about your career intentions is the most important element of the interviewing process. When this occurs, a natural confidence and motivation is expressed by the interviewee that always is appealing to the interviewer. It is impossible to teach someone how to be motivated or confident because these are conditions of the “inner-workings” of our total self. What I can teach someone is how to cause these byproducts to occur frequently. We can cause these outcomes by determining to never give up on a career path, to acknowledge the authenticity of our career needs and by establishing a vision of what our career will be long-term.

Resume Tips

Key Concepts for Powerful, Effective Resumes.

1. Your resume is YOUR marketing tool, not a personnel document.
2. It is about YOU the job hunter, not just about the jobs you’ve held.
3. It focuses on your future, not your past.
4. It emphasizes your accomplishments, not your past job duties or job descriptions.
5. It documents skills you enjoy using, not skills you used just because you had to.
10 Steps in Creating a Valuable Resume

1. Choose a target job (also called a “job objective”). An actual job title & company name works best.
2. Find out what skills, knowledge, and experience are needed to do that target job.
3. Make a list of your 2, 3, or 4 strongest skills or abilities or knowledge that make you a good candidate for the target job.
4. For each key skill, think of several accomplishments from your past work history that illustrate that skill.
5. Describe each accomplishment in a simple, powerful, action statement that emphasizes the results that benefited your employer.
6. Make a list of the primary jobs you’ve held, in chronological order. Include any unpaid work that fills a gap or that shows you have the skills for the job.
7. Make a list of your training and education that’s related to the new job you want.
8. Choose a resume format that fits your situation–either chronological or functional. Functional works best if you’re changing fields; chronological works well if you’re moving up in the same field.]
9. Arrange your action statements according to the format you choose.
10. Summarize your key points at the top of your resume.

The Mind in Four Components

We talked a bit about the energetic system of the Chakras last week and discovered the importance of opening up internally so that the energy of this unseen system can flow free of obstruction. The difficulty of learning to find a relationship with the Chakra System is that we cannot see it as it has a “non-physical” form. The same holds true with the Mind, which cannot be seen in physical form but is very much a living entity.

The Mind is complex and very very difficult to understand. It has, as I see it, four components that have very distinct functions. The ability to rationalize, perceive, resist and observe.

The Four Components of Mind

The ability to rationalize serves a very important function that allows us to think about the myriad of stimuli that enter our senses. This function allows us to consider the value of the things that happen to us everyday. Are our romantic relationships fulfilling, is my job worth keeping, am I making the best choices for myself, do I like this or that person, what is my opinion of my physical body, etc., etc. Opinions are formed from the things that we rationally think about and it is very difficult to change them once they are formed. Our opinions are hard-wired into the neuro-pathways of our brain and become “cemented” into our brains. In essence, our “rationalizing” creates the physical make-up of our brains and if we think and rationalize too much we stuff the mind with an overflow of matter that results in stress and delusions. Just like if someone eats too much bad food, they will create too many fat cells that will ultimately put stress on the physical body as can be seen in things like obesity, clogged arteries, stressed joints, and the like. It is not necessary to try to figure everything out rationally and when we do this it is because we are running from our feelings. Feelings bring us to the second component of Mind, which is our ability to perceive.

Perception takes information that is “up” in our heads and allows it to flow down “into” us for a deeper understanding. When I say a deeper understanding, I mean what we feel about that information for one thing. There is also a deeper “knowing” that occurs from our ability to perceive the information and opinions that we make. Some information makes us feel positive feelings and others makes us feel negative feelings. If we have formed a negative or overly critical opinion of something, it results in negative feelings. The deeper we allow ourselves to connect to those negative feelings, the deeper our “knowing” or understanding of that feeling becomes. This is important because the more we know and perceive about our negative feelings the more likely we will choose the more comfortable positive opinions. When we create more positive opinions, the result is more positive feelings. The only way to wake up to our negative opinions is to connect to how we feel about those opinions. The catch and difficulty in this process is that we do not always want to FEEL our negative feelings. And when we don’t feel our negative feelings we remain asleep and allow our negative opinions to drive us in negative directions in an endless cycle of darkness. We now come to our third component of Mind, which is the ability to resist.

Ah, the infamous resistance, which is the part of us that prevents us from becoming free, enlightened, ultimately happy and reaching our highest potential. I am not saying that our resistance is not important because it most defiantly is important and valuable. Without our faculty to resist opinions, feelings, and choices we would not have freedom of choice. The glory of this Universe is that we ALWAYS have a choice to do something new or stay the same. Of course, if we always want to stay the same, then we don’t grow and are not able to experience the glory of all that makes up our lives. It would seem like the obvious choice would be to feel as deeply as we could so that we continue to grow and expand the essence of who we are as a “self.” Yet, one does not go without the other. Without our “negative” feelings and thoughts, we could not understand the beauty of our “positive” thoughts and feelings. The bad aspects of a romantic relationship for example allow us to appreciate the positive aspects. It is a huge mistake and the essence of delusional thinking to only want positive and happy things to occur. On the deepest spiritual level, we came to this physical realm to experience the opposite of our divinity so that we could have something to compare it too and so understand that divinity more deeply. That being said, if you ever wonder why something is not working in your favor, just remember the infamous saying, “what we resist persists.” If you resist arguing with your lover, then those arguments will continue. If you accept them as natural and necessary, they will decrease. Oh the irony of it aye. The final component is our ability to observe.

I won’t say much about observance other than that it is what defines being awake. When we observe our opinions without attaching to them, we are able to truly see them. If we want to know what our opinions are, then we need to observe our thoughts without judgment or attachment. We need to be able to read the content of our Mind just as we would read the content of a book. When we do this, we are able to then truly decide if it is something that we wish to continue. Finally, when you do observe your mind correctly you will have a corresponding feeling that is associated with that thought. When observance is done this way, you can move through the fear within your heart. Remember, enlightenment is an open mind and heart. Many will observe the mind without allowing their feelings about those thoughts to surface and so prevent themselves from being impacted by what they see. When this happens then they simply stay out of the realm of humanity and in the realm of escapism and avoidance.

A Second Opinion

The specific aspects of mind are; 1) “unrest” which means going out to receive sense objects coming to sense doors as fish, cast on earth, strive to go into water, 2) “moving” means non-calm, sometimes it may be calm, but when it is attacked by sense objects, it is distracted by those, 3) “hard observation” means it is very hard to keep it calm (purified), 4) “hard protection” means it is very hard to protect it from forming an opinion, especially a bad (or selfish) opinion, 5) “hard compulsion” means it is very hard to force it not to fall under the five hindrances (it is likened to a drug addict, it is very hard for him to stop taking drugs) because it always falls under the five hindrances, it is hard to realize it, it is very smooth, and it arises and vanishes very rapidly.

This shows that the mind of human beings is restless, always falling down into the valley of unwholesome deeds. This leads human beings into big trouble. In the Buddha’s time, there was a monk named Talaputa. After he had become a monk, he practiced meditation in the forest. He spent a long time doing meditation, but he could not attain enlightenment, as he wished. Then he searched for the cause and he found that it was because of his own mind. He complained to his mind, saying, “Citta (mind), you begged me for many years to leave lay life, now I am a monk as you wish, why now are you lazy and want me to abandon meditation? You always say to me, the forest is beautiful and peaceful and it is a proper place for meditation, then I leave lay life and all my relatives and have lived here for some time, I have tried to please you for ages but now you still hurt me, and want me to go back to where you used to tell me off. From now on I am going to train you, taking you into the cave, observing you like an elephant or horse trainer, I’m going to chain you with meditation (mindfulness), I know that if anyone is influenced by you, he or she will suffer.”

All the complaints of the monk above show that the human mind is made distraught by distractions or attachments, all of which we have derived from mind, and the cycle of life, also, is from mind. As a result the Buddha said, “The world is led by mind, all things are controlled by mind.”

Source

Understanding the Chakra System

The human body is composed of various physical elements (i.e. heart, lungs, limbs, etc.) that enable it to function properly. If any of these elements or aspect of the human body are injured or broken, it effects the overall functionality of the human body in general. For example, a person with lung disease will have difficulty running effectively. The impaired lungs affects the ability of the legs and heart or cardio-vascular system to function at their maximum ability during running. Each of the physical parts of the human body affects the other and are thus interconnected with each other in profound ways. Let’s call this the physical system of our “total self.”

There is also a non-physical system in the form of energy fields that are connected to the physical body and affects the functionality of the “total self” also. It’s called the Chakra System that is generally viewed as having seven major elements, as well as uncountable minor ones that are of equal value. We will focus on the seven major chakras here.

7 Major Chakra System

The best way to view the chakras is as energy processing centers that enable us to connect to the non-physical elements that surround us. Many would call these non-physical elements our “spiritual essence,” but I prefer to refer to them as our non-physical essences. There are too many associations, in my opinion, that are attached to the word “spiritual” that could cause us to view this “un-seen” essence as somehow separate from us. When in actuality, they are as connected to us as our hand is to our forearm. This energy system flows throughout our body just as our blood flows throughout our circulatory system. This non-physical system enables every aspect of our “total self” (our physical, emotional, mental and intuitional bodies) to function effectively. Each chakra has its own character that relates to a unique aspect of our being. They are patterns of energy whos shape can be described as funnel-like or whirlpool-like, and each one corresponds to parts of the Central Nervous System. Their vortices lie inside the body, along the spinal chord and up into the head.

When there is a blockage or other energetic dysfunction in a chakra, it usually causes disorders in the physical, mental and intuitive bodies. A defect in the energy flow of a chakra will disrupt the necessary amount of energy that flows to its corresponding element in the physical body, just as a blocked artery negatively affects the ability of the heart’s system to function properly. Even though these energy patterns don’t exist as physical elements, there are specific locations in the body where the energy patterns exist; five along the spine, and two on the head. Each chakra also has a certain color associated with it. Because the chakras are non-physical entities, it is impossible to convey a complete explanation of the nature of each chakra in words alone, but the table below will provide an introduction to the nature of each.

NUMBER — LOCATION & NAME — CHARACTER — COLOR
7 — Crown of Head/Totality of Beingness — Non-physical Perfection — Violet
6 — Forehead (3rd Eye) — Visualization/Intuition — Indigo
5 — Pit of Throat — Communication/Creative Expression — Blue
4 — Heart/Universal Love — Compassion and Empathy — Green
3 — Solar Plexus/Creation of Self — Perception and Projection of Self — Yellow
2 — Sacral (Pubic) — Desire & Sexual Energy — Orange
1 — Base of Spine Physical/Vitality — Survival — Red

Chakra Details

“Each chakra has a dominant (usually) front component, and a less dominant (usually) rear component that are intimately related. The seventh and first chakras, though, are usually represented and thought of as having only the one dominant component, as it is far, far more significant than the weaker component in these two chakras. The seventh chakra extends vertically upwards above the head. The first chakra extends forwards from the base of the spine, and downwards, at roughly a 45 degree angle, although its exact position will vary from person to person. The other five chakras, spaced between the first and seventh, have at their appropriate locations a front component extending out the front of the body and a rear component extending out the rear of the body. Aside from the entry of energy into the body through the seven major chakras, there is also an upward flow of energy in the body, from the lower to higher energy centers. The lower chakras are simpler-functioning, but as one ascends upwards there is a greater degree of sophisticated and more spiritual functioning, intimately related to the life experience and state of being of the individual,” (www.chioshealing.com).

Source 

Follow Your Resistance

Learning to embrace the changes that naturally occur in ones life can be very difficult. It is also challenging to know which direction is the best one regarding a potential change in our lives. When a potential change shows itself, whether personally or professionally, how do we know the best choice to make. The answer is simple, do the thing that you resist the most. Remember that infamous saying, “What we resist persists.” If that is the case, then we have to do the things that we resist so that they don’t keep happening in our lives.

There you have it, the million dollar solution to all our daily challenges, just do the things that you resist doing and you will always know which is the best choice to make to get what you want. This sounds easy in theory, but it sure is difficult to practice. Understanding the nature of resistance can be very helpful in our attempts to practice this idea. I have posted some information below that applies to “business,” but it can equally be applied to “personal” situations.

Decreasing Resistance To Change

The Six (6) Change Approaches of Kotter and Schlesinger is a model to prevent, decrease or minimize resistance to change in organizations.
According to Kotter and Schlesinger (1979), there are four reasons that certain people are resisting change:

* Parochial self-interest (some people are concerned with the implication of the change for themselves ad how it may effect their own interests, rather than considering the effects for the success of the business)

* Misunderstanding (communication problems; inadequate information)

*Low tolerance to change (certain people are very keen on security and stability in their work)

*Different assessments of the situation (some employees may disagree on the reasons for the change and on the advantages and disadvantages of the change process)

Kotter and Schlesinger set out the following six (6) change approaches to deal with this resistance to change:

1. Education and Communication – Where there is a lack of information or inaccurate information and analysis. One of the best ways to overcome resistance to change is to educate people about the change effort beforehand. Up-front communication and education helps employees see the logic in the change effort. this reduces unfounded and incorrect rumors concerning the effects of change in the organization.

2. Participation and Involvement – Where the initiators do not have all the information they need to design the change and where others have considerable power to resist. When employees are involved in the change effort they are more likely to buy into change rather than resist it. This approach is likely to lower resistance and those who merely acquiesce to change.

3. Facilitation and Support – Where people are resisting change due to adjustment problems. Managers can head-off potential resistance by being supportive of employees during difficult times. Managerial support helps employees deal with fear and anxiety during a transition period. The basis of resistance to change is likely to be the perception that there some form of detrimental effect occasioned by the change in the organization. This approach is concerned with provision of special training, counseling, time off work.

4. Negotiation and Agreement – Where someone or some group may lose out in a change and where that individual or group has considerable power to resist. Managers can combat resistance by offering incentives to employees not to resist change. This can be done by allowing change resistors to veto elements of change that are threatening, or change resistors can be offered incentives to leave the company through early buyouts or retirements in order to avoid having to experience the change effort. This approach will be appropriate where those resisting change are in a position of power.

5. Manipulation and Co-option – Where other tactics will not work or are too expensive. Kotter and Schlesinger suggest that an effective manipulation technique is to co-opt with resisters. Co-option involves the patronizing gesture in bringing a person into a change management planning group for the sake of appearances rather than their substantive contribution. This often involves selecting leaders of the resisters to participate in the change effort. These leaders can be given a symbolic role in decision making without threatening the change effort. Still, if these leaders feel they are being tricked they are likely to push resistance even further than if they were never included in the change effort leadership.

6. Explicit and Implicit Coercion – Where speed is essential and to be used only as last resort. Managers can explicitly or implicitly force employees into accepting change by making clear that resisting to change can lead to losing jobs, firing, transferring or not promoting employees.

8 Most Common Reasons People Resist Change

1) People don’t understand why the change is necessary.
2) People don’t believe the “change” will work.
3) People believe the old way is better.
4) People are afraid that they themselves might fail.
5) People don’t trust the motives of the change agent.
6) There is evidence that the old way works.
7) There is little or no evidence that the new way will work.
The pain associated with changing is greater than the pain of
remaining the same.

Reference 

Reference

Conflict Resolution: Expressing Feelings

Let’s further our discussion on the source of conflict. Conflict is something that cannot be avoided. It ALWAYS occurs. That doesn’t mean that it has to be uncomfortable, unpleasant or negative in any way. If understood correctly, conflict is merely difference; difference in belief, ways of doing things, style, etc. The negative aspect of conflict occurs within each individual when they resist the feelings by judging them as somehow “bad.”

Learning to Nurture Ourselves

When we get angry it is because we have not learned how to feel the feelings that are associated with concepts such as loss, worry, and doubt. Now, of course, these types of feelings are natural and normal, but if not properly managed they can cause serious damage. The first step to finding peace is to accept a very harsh reality; no one causes another to become angry, sad, disappointed, etc. The largest misconception I have come across is the notion that another person causes us to feel our feelings. Every single feeling that we have is caused by our perception of what occurred. When we feel sad, angry, upset, and are not able to manage our uncomfortable feelings it is because we have not learned how to process them. Our minds have the tendency to look in the wrong direction for the source of the pain it feels. It looks outside of itself instead of looking within itself. Learning to nurture ourselves cannot happen until we stop looking for something outside of us to do the nurturing. It may seem insensitive and possibly selfish to think this way, but consider the alternative. Until we begin making the source of our uncomfortable feelings our own perception, we are like caged dogs who can only be freed if the “master” opens the cage.

We cripple ourselves by depending on an outside agent (person, place or thing) to change in a way we want so that we can feel better. It is impossible to get those people and circumstances to change in exactly the way we want. And this is where we go wrong. Rather than trying to change the “external” into an exact replica of our desires, it is far more realistic and practical to attempt to influence the “external” towards what we want. The word towards is key because within its essence is the notion of process, which also entails things like patience, allowing, moving, steps of success and the creative process in general. Remember, I am not suggesting that your feelings should be anything other than what they are. It is easy to think that I might be suggesting that we should alter our feelings in some way or that they should be something different if they occur from within us instead of from the outside. That’s just not the case. Your feelings are ALWAYS perfect and NEVER need to be anything other than what they are. Ironically, the ability to accept them as they occur and allow them to surface, be expressed as fully as possible depending on the circumstance, offers the very nurturing that they require. Imagine what it would be like if you had to go the the bathroom, but couldn’t release our urine. Many problems would occur within our physiology that would have lasting damaging effects. The same occurs with our feelings, yet the problems take longer to show themselves. We have accepted ulcers as a bi-product of unexpressed feelings, and the reality is that many of our physical symptoms occur because of unexpressed feelings. This is easy to state and not-so-easy to practice. Below are a few steps to assist you in the practice of nurturing your own feelings.

Simple Tips

Feelings Versus Thoughts and Beliefs

Feelings and thoughts are different, but also are one and the same. They are like the head and tail of a coin. We react to events with both thoughts and feelings. Feelings are emotions, and sensations, and they are different from thoughts, beliefs, interpretations, and convictions. When difficult feelings are expressed, the sharp edges are dulled, and it is easier to release or let go of the bad feeling. If we only express our beliefs about the event and not the feelings, the bad feelings linger and are often harder to release. Whenever someone says, “I feel that,” the person is about to express a belief, not a feeling.

Guidelines For Expressing Feelings

Try to be specific rather than general about how you feel. Consistently using only one or two words to say how you are feeling, such as bad or upset, is too vague and general. What kind of bad or upset? (irritated, mad, anxious, afraid, sad, hurt, lonely, etc.). Specify the degree of the feelings, and you will reduce the chances of being misunderstood. For example, some people may think when you say, “I am angry” means you are extremely angry when you actually mean a “little irritated”. When expressing anger or irritation, first describe the specific behavior you don’t like, then your feelings. This helps to prevent the other person from becoming immediately defensive or intimidated when they first hear “I am angry with you”, and they could miss the message. If you have mixed feelings, say so, and express each feeling and explain what each feeling is about. For example: “I have mixed feelings about what you just did. I am glad and thankful that you helped me, but I didn’t like the comment about being stupid. It was disrespectful and unnecessary and I found it irritating”.

Techniques for Expressing Feelings

The two following – I feel statements and I messages will help you: Express feelings productively. Respectfully confront someone when you are bothered by his or her behavior. Express difficult feelings without attacking the self-esteem of the person. Clarify for you and the other person precisely what you feel. Prevent feelings from building up and festering into a bigger problem. Communicate difficult feelings in a manner that minimizes the other person’s need to become defensive, and increases the likelihood that the person will listen. When you first start using these techniques they will be cumbersome and awkward to apply, and not very useful if you only know them as techniques. However, if you practice these techniques and turn them into skills, it will be easy for you to express difficult feelings in a manner that is productive and respectful.

Which of the two methods you use for expressing your feelings should depend on your goal, the importance or difficulty of your feelings and the situation.

1. I feel statements are used in situations that are clear and fairly simple, when you what to express yourself and avoid a buildup of feelings without attacking or hurting the self-esteem of the other.

2. I messages are used in more complex situations to clarify for yourself and the other person just what you are feeling when a) you have difficult negative feelings, b) you confront someone and want them to change their behavior, and c) it is very sensitive and important that the other person accurately understand.

I Feel Statements

These statements take the form of “When you did that thing I felt this way. That thing is a behavior of the other person, and this way is your specific feelings. Here are some examples: “I felt embarrassed when you told our friends how we are pinching pennies.” “I liked it when you helped with the dishes without being asked.” “I feel hurt and am disappointed that you forgot our anniversary”.

I Messages

It is called an I message because the focus is on you, and the message is about yourself. This is in contrast to a You message which focuses on and gives a message about the other person. When using I messages you take responsibility for your own feelings, rather than accusing the other person of making you feel a certain way. A You message does not communicate a feeling, but a belief about the other person. The essence of an I message is “I have a problem”, while the essence of a You message is “You have a problem”. There are four parts to an I message:

1. When … Describe the person’s behavior you are reacting to in an objective, non-blameful, and non-judgmental manner.
2. The effects are … Describe the concrete or tangible effects of that behavior. (This is the most important part for the other person to understand – your reaction.)
3. I feel … Say how you feel. (This is the most important part to prevent a buildup of feelings.)
4. I’d prefer … Tell the person what you want or what you prefer they do. You can omit this part if it is obvious.

The order in which you express these parts is usually not important. Here are some examples: ” When you take company time for your personal affairs and then don’t have time to finish the urgent work I give you, I get furious. I want you to finish the company’s work before you work on your personal affairs.” “I lose my concentration when you come in to ask a question, and I don’t like it. Please don’t interrupt me when I am working unless it is urgent.” “It is very hard for me to keep our place neat and clean when you leave your clothes and other stuff laying around. It creates a lot more work for me and it takes a lot longer, and I get resentful about it. I’d prefer that you put your clothes away and put your trash in the basket.” “I resent it when your flirting with the women keeps you from having time for your work, because it means more work for me.”

Common Mistakes

Not expressing a feeling at all, expressing a belief or judgment. Sending a disguised You message. Only expressing negative feelings. The nonverbal body language contradicting the words. For example, smiling when irritated. Practice these techniques and turn them into useful skills. Make it easy for yourself to spontaneously express difficult feelings in a manner that is productive and respectful.

Source

Harmonious Communication

Resolving conflict, ending arguments, and finding better ways to communicate shouldn’t be that difficult. Anyone who has struggled to get their point across or who ended up flabbergasted, at ones wits end and completely raged after a verbal battle knows that it ain’t easy. Everyone can make sense and prove why they are “right” during a verbal battle, which is the reason why they often end with anger. There can be no victor in the quest to be right because all you have is two sides who are right.

The cause of such difficulties has very little to do with what does or does not make sense and more to do with where we look for the problem. When an individual gets angry with someone else and voices there displeasure with what was done to them, they just caused the conflict. They think that what caused the conflict is what was done to them, but it is their angry reaction that is the source of the misunderstanding. Let me explain.

Socratic Dialogue Versus Narcissism

What I am hoping to do is encourage individuals to come from a place of power instead of force during their communicative exchanges. The bottom line is that it really doesn’t matter who is right or who is wrong when the goal is harmony. When the intended purpose of all exchanges is harmony and mutual respect, then all energies are put towards understanding opposing points of view. When an apposing point of view is understood, then the two parties can begin to negotiate on how to meet each other half way. It is in this way that peace can be achieved; peace between individuals, partners, business associates, countries, apposing religions, etc. The overly critical mind or elitist and self-rightious perspective needs to make others wrong or bad. Those with little faith or conviction in their beliefs act in this negative and debilitating way. Without realizing it, they need to validate their truth by making someone else wrong. When this happens, their faith and ideas are dependent on outside forces and the only way they can feel secure is by making themselves better than others. This attitude in its extreme is best described as Narcissism, which is a personality disorder where an individual needs to be “grander” than everyone else by making everyone else “less than.” The reality of course is that these individuals are extremely insecure and may even reach a state of self-loathing. Without the strength to deal with these feelings, they simply play a mind game with themselves by falsely making themselves superior to others. Even the ability to make themselves equal to another is very difficult. This disorder is linked to effective communication in that rather than seeking mutual understanding they communicate, they choose to be overly critical, negative and shaming of others.

Those with true conviction, passion and faith in their beliefs allow others to hold apposing views as well. The Socratic Dialogue discusses what it means to strive for truth. The Socratic Model of dialogue mirrors this attempt at increasing consciousness, objectivity, and openness to a discussion. Socratic dialogue is best used when individuals clearly disagree and when they hold strongly to their positions. The participants have freely chosen to participate, and choose to do so as friends in search of the truth by following the Logos or principle standard. Great emphasis is placed on not steering too far off the topic at hand to prevent confusion and clouded perceptions. Their search for truth means that they trust its existence and great pains are taken to reveal all questions and concerns, while putting aside those that are not supported by clarity and facts. Friendship is the most important thing of all. “In a friendly dialogue, it is of no concern who is right or wrong. Dialogue demands the spirit of friendship because dialogue requires a relationship or spirit of care, trust, understanding, and fairness. To the degree that co-workers share a common goal they must work in unity, and that unity of purpose, in the Greek sense, is a kind of friendship” (Apatow, 1999). Finally, when people dialogue, they must follow the words spoken because the word is a direct expression of the speaker’s mind. Great care must be taken here, as each word represents a certain reality when spoken, and without care false truths and realities become manifest. Individuals need to take complete ownership of what they say without false excuses, defensive responses or “passing the buck.” Until this ownership of consciousness occurs within individuals, people will continually butt heads with each other. If folks don’t learn to own their consciousness, they are like puppets being bounced about by their puppeteer. In this scenario, an individual’s consciousness acts like a puppeteer until it is controlled. They become victims to whatever random thought that pops into their heads, or by whatever feelings they have, and will continually say things that they don’t really mean. Mass consciousness of fear, doubt, begrudgement, entitlement, and opposition within individuals has resulted in our current state of affairs regarding effective dialogue. Attempts at owning and expressing more positive and optimistic thoughts could help create a more unified interpersonal setting. Judgments that words like appreciation, faith, hope, and love – especially love – are too “touchy-feely.” However, such judgment obviously comes from their internal fear, and until each individual decides to challenge these negative functions or negative thoughts, there is little hope of creating the unity that is so desperately needed.

Simple Tips

1. If you find yourself really angry angry at someone or in extreme frustration about something they said or did to you it is because YOU have not yet accepted that behavior in yourself.

2. Never begin sentences with “You shouldn’t have done or you should do.” because your opinion on what they should have done is irrelevant. ASK them if they are willing to try a different behavior.

3. Asking them to try something doesn’t mean they will do it, so ask without expecting them to comply. If you ask and get angry because you didn’t get the answer you wanted, then you didn’t ask but demanded and were acting in a passive aggressive way.

4. Remember that the goal is to negotiate towards mutual understanding and VARIATIONS of what you want to get out of situations. That means giving up some of what you wish.

5. For EVERY situation where an injustice happened to you, you were at least 50% responsible for the problem. Example: If someone hits you, then you are partially responsible for that act.

5. Good and bad or right and wrong are illusions. It is far better to strive to create value or focus on what choices work or are effective in getting you what you want in a given situation.

6. What worked in one situation may not work when the same situation occurs again. This is what makes human interaction so challenging and interesting. We have to keep trying until it sinks in.

7. When an argument begins, do your best to express what you did to influence the problem first and then express what you didn’t like about the other person. Do this with sincerity and honesty.

8. What you don’t like about what another person is or does doesn’t mean that they were wrong, but that you just don’t like it. Which doesn’t mean that they should change, but that you might want to consider accepting that part of them.

9. Each of us is ALWAYS right. And two contradicting “rights” can exist at the same time. Example: your boyfriend might laugh too loud and passionately hate that type of laughter.

10. It is more difficult to get another person to change than it is for you to let them be who and what they choose and practice acceptance.

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“In fact, our brains are malleable, ever changing, reconfiguring their wiring according to new thoughts and experiences. And as a result of learning, the function of individual neurons themselves change, allowing electrical signals to travel along them more readily. Scientists call the brain’s inherent capacity to change ‘plasticity.’ This ability to change the brain’s wiring, to grow new neural connections, has been demonstrated in experiments such as one conducted by Doctors Avi Karni and Leslie Underleider at the National institute of mental health. In that experiment, the researchers had subjects perform a simple motor task, a finger-tapping exercise, and identified the parts of the brain involved in the task by a MRI brain scan. The subjects then practiced the finger exercise daily for four weeks, gradually becoming more efficient and quicker at it. At the end of the four-week period, the brain scan was repeated and showed that the area of the brain involved in the task had expanded; this indicated that the regular practice and repetition of the task had recruited new nerve cells and changed the neural connections that had originally been involved in the task.” (Dalai Lama and Cutler, pg. 44).

Bibliography

Apatow, Robert. “Socratic Dialogue.” Executive Review 16.5 (1999): 2pp. Online. Internet.

The Dalai Lama and C. Cutler. “The Art of Happiness.” New York: Penguin Putman, Inc., 1998.